Saturday, March 26, 2011

Spiderman 3 Review

So for this review I'll just be going by character and their overall involvement in the film and what worked and what for f*ck's sake DID NOT WORK.

Peter Parker/Spiderman: Peter Parker starts off in this movie feeling like that one guy who died on the Titanic. He can now magically see MJ's plays as well as have the entire city love him. Even though they loved him before it is now to the point of a f*cking mascot. One of the first things he does as a hero is stop a construction crane from going crazy. Oh wait!! Did I say that?! I meant he saves some blonde named Gwen Stacy and leaves the out of control crane to destroy more sh*t and possibly kill more people. Nice going there, Tiger. He is then brought to the police station and is told that his Uncle's killer was someone else and just broke out of jail. Instead of thinking "Oh God, I killed an innocent man. The thing that pushed me to do good was a lie." NO, he thinks "WTF?! I killed the wrong f*cking guy?! Jesus H. Christ!! Now I have to go kill this guy too!!" Yeah, Peter Parker is totally in f*cking character. Then the black symbiote comes along and blah blah blah I'll talk about that sh*t later. Peter removes the symbiote and gets rid of it in a safe location so no one has to feel like that again. Oh wait, I mean he just sits there and does nothing as it takes over another idiot within screaming distance. So he saves MJ and forgives his Uncle's real murderer, who is Sandman btw *sigh*, and everything ends. Peter learned to forgive someone after he already believed to have killed him in the first place. What if he wasn't made of sand? Peter would have flat out mutilated him! This is our hero, folks.

Mary Jane Watson: So our movie starts with Mary Jane in a musical and HOLY F*CK SHE SOUNDS AMAZING. But even though she was f*cking amazing in her last play for some reason she fails here. After seeing Peter do the completely out of character act of kissing Gwen Stacy she gets angry at him. Hey! Idiot Peter! If you wanted to marry her why did you kiss Gwen!? F*cking moron! So they argue and MJ falls in love with Harry Osborn, aka that one guy who left her for dead in the first movie, and leaves. Suddenly, Harry burst into her apartment as the New Goblin and tells her to break up with Peter or he'll kill him... What? You tried that earlier and Peter kicked your ass. Whatever. She breaks up with him and next time we see her Peter is dancing around like a pro. Then she gets kidnapped. Peter saves her. The end. What did she learn? Peter is a f*cking asshole when not in a symbiote suit but learned he was better when he was playing the correct character.

Harry Osborn/New Goblin: Hahahahahahahahahaha so get this. Harry fights Peter and I sh*t you not he hits his head and gets amnesia. But it's not a normal amnesia. It's an amnesia that serves the plot only. Nothing else. So he remembers his dad dying but not his hate for Spiderman. *sneeze* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullsh*t!! He magically regains his memories and starts f*cking with Peter by ruining his relationship (read MJ above) even though it was already crumbling. Peter comes to fight him and after trying to kill Peter numerous times he gets his face half blown off by his own grenade to which his butler does the stupidest thing I have ever seen. He tells Harry that his father was killed by his own blade... WHY... IN F*CK'S SAKE... DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE!!!??? He realizes his mistakes and goes to help Peter only to die. The end. Wow. Just wow. Maybe you should have only used this character instead of Sandman!! If I wrote this script I would have gotten rid of Sandman entirely and have the movie introduce Harry by having him kill Aunt May and cause Peter to want revenge and put on the black suit. See? Instead of creating some pointless character to have Peter be pissed at Harry is now the aim of Peter's rage and we can see Peter trying to overcome this rage and grief. But hey, why do that when you can have AMNESIA!!! Oh and if you're wondering why I said Aunt May should die instead of MJ it's because if MJ died then you know the studio would make a GOD DAMN CLONE SAGA TRILOGY. And I think we have seen what clone's do to movies (see: Star Wars 2)

Sandman: So Sandman breaks out of jail and falls into some experiment machine thingy. Some scientist see a mass difference of about the equivalent of a human and they assume it's a bird... *facepalm* He gets turned into sand and I have to admit this sequence looks amazing. He goes to see his dying daughter and reveals he is robbing sh*t to pay for her medical bill. Ok? So does this go anywhere? Nope! So f*ck it! Around the end he suddenly wants to kill Spiderman even though in the beginning they said he only wants the money so WHY HAVE THIS STORY??? In the end he fly's away. Who gives a sh*t? He was just there to make Black Spiderman angry. That's it.

Gwen Stacy: She is here to create a bigger rift between Peter and MJ. Wow is she pointless. It literally could have been anyone and it would not have mattered. She has no character. The end.

Eddie Brock/Venom: So Eddie wants Peter's job. He doesn't get Peter's job. He wishes Peter died instead of maybe, idk, not having the job anymore. Turns into Venom. Dies in a blast that contradicts the rules that the film set in place earlier. He dies from the same type bomb that only destroyed half of Harry's face. And remember, it's him and the symbiote. I like how the writer was trying to show how Peter was battling his manifested inner demons but when Peter was taken over by the symbiote he didn't act in anyway like this. He might as well be fighting anyone. So Venom dies in like 10 minutes of being introduced. Wow, that impact cut me deep.... NOT.

Black Suit Spiderman: I love this character. He is outgoing, funny, charming, friendly, doesn't care what people think about him, doesn't hesitate, knows what he wants, and he is by far the best character in this film. Except he is supposed to be the exact opposite. He is supposed to be the dick, the asshole, the selfish little brat who we hate. Instead he dances and smiles like he doesn't have a care in the world. Gawd, I love him. Seriously, the only bad thing he did in this movie was hit Mary Jane ACCIDENTALLY. He hurts Harry after almost being murdered by him several times, he attacks a known murderer and thief, gives away Eddie as a fake and a liar, and he finally makes friends with that girl next door. Oh and he magically gained the ability to dance like a pro and play the piano like a pro. What can't Black Suit Spiderman do? Seriously, wouldn't it have been easier if say Black Suit Spiderman acted like a dick from the beginning by having him breaking up with MJ instead of the other way around and fool around with women (like the neighbor) and not care for anyone's safety. Like what if Eddie's picture of Black Suit Spiderman was real and he did rob the bank and Peter was struggling with his primal urges and doing the right thing. Wait, didn't he do something similar in the last movie? I don't know how to make this work perfectly but the writers should have put more though into it.

So these are my thoughts on Spiderman 3. I can see what they were trying to do and what they were going for but their is just too much going on and not enough focus. Seriously, they could have cut out Sandman and Gwen Stacy and just rewrite a lot of the story. But no, they got lazy and gave us this sh*t. At least they're not making another one... Oh... F*CK!!!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Multiplayer

People always talk about multiplayer in varying ways. Some people talk about how it's basically the only reason they buy a game (mostly for replayability) while others talk about how it is an utter waste of money. Now whenever I think about a multiplayer game I immediately think of  Super Smash Bros. It's a gaming series that primarily focuses on multiplayer and even though the last installment's single player was trying to give us a good single player story it fumbled that idea more than a five year old would the concept of quantum physics... Anyways, I start looking at what exactly makes it so amazing by comparing it to other multiplayers like World of Warcraft, Killzone 3, Uncharted 2, Call of Duty, Halo, and basically every fighting game conceived.

I think I've come to some conclusion as to what I'd want in a next gen multiplayer game on the PS3 or Xbox 360. For those of you who have played Metal Gear Online you first have to customize your character with appearance and abilities. The usual. But every now and then something happens that makes the game a thousand times more engaging. You can play as Solid Snake, Liquid Ocelot, Raiden, Vamp, etc. And each one has their own unique ability. And I don't mean like some unique ability any player can have but truly one of a kind abilities. Solid Snake can use octocamo, Liquid Ocelot can stun enemies with the guns of the patriots, Raiden has a sword and can do acrobatics, and Vamp can throw knives as well as resurrect himself after "dying." Without these special characters MGO would have been a poor man's Call of Duty or Halo. Shouldn't this mean that allowing players the ability to play as some of the characters they love is more enticing than creating some random Joe who anyone else can make. Sure, it immerses the player more in the game but gaming is all about escapism and creating someone yourself with no special qualities just makes me feel more like an idiot when I keep dying in multiplayer. Just some average Joe. Of course this idea wouldn't work in some MMORPG like World of Warcraft because there are just too many people so that system works more under classes (as does Killzone 3) which works wonders if you can learn to balance it right.

Now let's look at a shooter/platformer that allows you to play as characters directly from the single player experience except none of them have any special abilities. They are all exactly the same. I'm talking about Uncharted 2. You level up the more you play blah blah blah they could have been random people. Couldn't the game have been better if say Drake could unlock ancient traps in certain areas of the map, or if Chloe should make herself look like the enemy by her gamertag, or if Flynn could blow himself up just before dying, or if Elena could summon her camera as a kinda sacrifice, or if Sully was some kind of revolver totting long range fighter who had to stop and rest every few minutes from old age? Seriously, doesn't that sound like a better game? Oh and allow the player some customization because customization does add to immersion so have color swaps or costume change. I'm looking at you, Donut Drake. Minimize customization so that on a map with 16 people you can still tell who is who, but still allowing the player to feel like he/she is some bad ass.

No one wants to feel like like themselves when they play the game unless they are winning, but what about those who just can't get any better? It's unfair. Everyone should enter the game feeling like a total bad ass with something special to show for it and the characters should feel balanced (ie their has to be a way to counter a character's special). Fighting games like Super Smash Bros and Marvel vs. Capcom have this down. Characterization meets customization. I know it gets harder to do this when more than 4 people are playing each other but Metal Gear Solid has so many characters! So do many franchises! Like I don't know, TWISTED METAL!!! The only problem with fighting games is that they trade simple controls for mastery, and that's why I love Super Smash Bros: it's fun and it's simple. And I know that Call of Duty is fun but can I please play as someone important who stands a chance instead of myself?

If you want to add anything just comment. Thanks :)