Introduction: Seriously? Another f*cking pirates movie? The two leads from the previous films didn't even want to participate in it and if that's not a sign that this is sh*t then it has to be that foul manure stench that I smelled from sitting in the theater.
The Donut of Youth: It's a donut. With water dripping in the middle. It is easily destroyed within 5 minutes of it's introduction. Wow, shouldn't it be like an eternal object? That lasts through all of time? Nope, apparently not. Oh and get this, it doesn't grant you eternal life. It's actually an extension on your lease.
The Hoops: In order to use the donut of youth you have to jump through some hoops. First, find two cups belonging to a conquistador. Yupp, two cups that have been recently made and can only last for a while. So I guess the fountain of youth is only accessible for a limited time frame because otherwise I couldn't give a sh*t. And guess where the cups are? In a ship jammed into a cliff face *facepalm* Who the f*ck writes this sh*t? Second, fill the cups with water from the fountain then put a mermaid tear in one cup. Oh, and remember the tear has to be fresh even though in the film by the time they us it it sure as sh*t ain't fresh anymore. Anyways, the person who drinks from the cup with the tear gets the years from the person who drinks from the cup without the tear. So wait, what if you're like 90 and take 90 years back? Do you become a fetus or do you just keep looking old for another 90 years. Ugh, that can't be pretty.
Mermaids and Saints: So, ahem, in this film, mermaids are vampires and have the web shooting abilities of Spiderman. You have no idea how hard I am trying to say this this straight right now. They are also easily baited by man made lights and men singing. So when the pirates need to capture a mermaid for her tear instead of just, idk, set a little boat on fire to lure them they instead come upon a search light using fire and oil... Gawd, who green lit this sh*t? Their is a romance in the film between a mermaid and a saint that serves only the story and nothing else. They are more 2 dimensional then my shadow and I wish they were never written. I'd rather not waste anymore time on this B story... The B stands for BULLSH*T!!!
Gibbs: So when he is introduced he is mistaken fro, hahahahaha, Captain Jack Sparrow. He then steals Jack's special map which totally goes against his character and teams up with Barbossa to go find the donut of youth as well. Oh, and there is a scene in the film where he does something out of character yet again and instead of doing the usual exposition about what the f*ck is happening he now is that insignificant character asking the questions. Hey! Gibbs! You took this role for the money, didn't you?!
Barbossa: Who the f*ck is this? Are you sh*tting me? No, you can't be serious. Holy sh*t, you are serious. They actually created a completely different character and had the f*cking audacity to call him Barbossa and recast Geoffrey Rush. This f*cking bullsh*t. Let me tell you a little about the privateer known as Barbossa: he cut off his own foot when his boat was attacked by Blackbeard for the stupidest reason I have ever f*cking heard and he has a hobby regarding poisonous frogs. So he wants revenge on Blackbeard so he becomes a privateer under the rule of King George. Wait what? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!?! WTF?!?! Thankfully, he magically knows Blackbeard is looking for the donut of youth and that Jack was looking for it and guess who Barbossa runs into? -_- In the end he gets his ship back and I sh*t you not he looks exactly like Will Truner as he sails off.
Blackbeard: He is evil. That's his character, I guess. He also has a magic sword that can control ships and could have been used several times when trying to capture a mermaid but since no one else here can think why should he? He is prophesied to be killed by a one legged man (see: Barbossa) which we shall discuss later and thus seeks the donut of youth to keep him alive. Except he has voodoo powers which can: control ships, create voodoo dolls, zombify his crew, and COME BACK TO LIFE!!!
Quartermaster: He is the guy who had the prophecy about Blackbeard being killed. He is also an idiot. See, Blackbeard created a voodoo doll as a bargaining chip against Jack to force him to take him to the donut of youth. The quartermaster throws it into a river and instead of Jack drowning for real he is a-okay. So why did he throw it away allowing Jack to just escape? To prove that Jack will be okay if he jumps in the river. Except the doll falling in water would be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then say A F*CKING PERSON. Also, his ability to see into the future could have been used countless times in the film and the only prophecy he does make is wrong!! Barbossa doesn't kill Blackbeard, Jack does. And you'd think he'd mention that Blackbeard would be killed at the donut of youth. But no. This character just pisses me off.
Angelica: She is the daughter of Blackbeard and a past love interest of Jack's. When she is introduced in this film she acts and dresses like Jack and he finds out it's her from how she uses a sword. Except how would he know that? He met her at a covenant and she training to be a nun. What kind of f*cking nun learns to sword fight?! Anyways, the whole film is about her trying to save her father's soul except she only stops him from doing something bad once but had no problem all the other f*cking times. Wtf?! Also, in the end she goes through the hoops with her father and everything was okay. WHAT?! They were both poisoned and were dying! The only thing the donut of youth could have done is give her an extra few minutes to live! She is just here for cleavage shots. Seriously.
Jack Sparrow: Nope, just nope. You don't make a film about revenge, redemption, religion, etc and have it's lead, the guy we are supposed to sympathize with, be an idiotic asshole who is here for laughs. The act is getting old and for the whole film I just had the aching feeling like everything was off and wrong. First thing Jack does is sentence his best friend to life in jail and then the last thing he does is maroon the love of life on an island to die. Wtf, Jack?! Instead of feeling mysterious with an overall genius plan he bumbles his way through situations without thought and simply has no end goal at all. What was his goal?! What was the point in all of this?!
Conclusion: It's the fourth f*cking movie in a Hollywood film series. Did you honestly think it would be good? I knew something was wrong the moment the film started. Just with the opening scene. And I watched all the scenes that followed: Jack's father appearing out of nowhere for exposition and disappearing as if by magic, Blackbeard's beard being on fire so he looks more evil, Russian roulette with Angelica, and the retarded bottled ships idea. Even the action is overly choreographed! How could you f*ck this up AGAIN?! At least Will and Elizabeth knew not to get involved...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Thor Review
Introduction: It's a film based on a comic book based on a viking religion trying to integrate itself into a universe with mechanical battle suits, a giant green man, and a WWII hero... and it pulls it off well, damn well.
Dreamland: Get it? Because Jack Kirby helped write it...Well I thought it was funny! Anyways, the design of Asgard feels like it belongs in the 80s. It's like He-Man and Hercules all over again! Asgard is so big it looks fake and costumes just make you want to giggle because the film actually wants you to take it seriously. Otherwise, it's an interestingly fleshed out world...I mean land...Dreamland.
Ice Box: It's a McGuffin. It's freezes stuff. And it's a box. It's held up in the Dreamland Armory even though it is shown to contain lightning a certain villain didn't think about using it... anyways, it originally belonged to a certain group of people....
Smurfs: The frost giants are a race of giants composed of stone and can produce ice on their person like knives and such and live in one of the 9 realms ruled under Dreamland. They aren't really evil or anything so couldn't it be said that Thor is racist and indulged in a hate crime? Oh well, let's call them the Smurfs of the Snow Level.
Papa Smurf: Except he doesn't wear red and thus you cannot distinguish him from any of the other Smurfs unless they close up on his face when he talks menacingly. After Thor starts a war with his people he casually talks to Loki even though he wants to kill Asgardians and then is lead into the heart of Asgard to kill Odin instead of sending a lacky which would have been easier. So why is this guy evil again? Didn't he just want more freedom from Asgard and tried to rebel only to get his ass handed to him and then having his people's most sacred object stolen even though Asgard has a room full of weapons that are probably more powerful...Sounds like Avatar...LEAVE THE BLUE PEOPLE ALONE!!!
Rainbow Bridge: Must. Refrain. From gay joke. Just imagine a multicolored wormhole connecting 2 worlds together like Dreamland and the Snow Level. It's how travel works in this film. Except for some reason when Mjolnir goes through the Rainbow Bridge it comes out somewhere different. Also, if you keep the rainbow bridge open it will turn into a death ray...WHAT?!?
Black Wizard: Heimdall is a gatekeeper. Of the Rainbow Bridge. And he is now black instead of white. I've heard some people complain about this and I have a perfectly legit reason why he was turned black. It's because he is God. He is hinted as being as powerful if not more so than Odin, can see and hear anything anywhere, and not even freezing him works. He is the same character we have seen in Bruce Almighty, Shawshank Redemption, and The Shining. I call this character the Black Wizard. Trust me, you see them more than you realize...*cou-all of Morgan Freeman's films-gh*
Odin: He is the god of gods, all powerful, defeated an entire race, is wise and smart, has been shown to magically teleport since the writers couldn't think of anything else, and gets brought down to a coma by Loki yelling at him. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!?!? I don't care how old you are; IMMORTAL IS IMMORTAL.
Loki: When we first see Loki he has slick black hair which can only mean one thing: He is the villain. For most of the film Loki is totally in the right. He respects his father, doesn't want Thor, the jocky, to be king, and is quite clever and nice. After finding out he is part Smurf (possibly Papa Smurf's son) he yells Odin into a coma and resents him only for Odin's wife to give her thirty seconds of dialogue which cause Loki to love his father again and resent the Smurfs...What? So now he is king and instead of doing something retarded like bring Thor back since their was a good reason for him to banished he goes to see Thor and tells him he is not allowed back home because of a truce with the Smurfs and that Odin is dead. Why does he say this? Couldn't he just say the truth and that even though he is the king he would be unwise to allow Thor admittance back home for his arrogance? Though that leaves the chance for Thor to change and come back home so I don't know. He then tries to pick up Mjolnir only to find that he can't pick it up so he sends Furnace Man to kill Thor so he will never be able to get back home again. Wait, couldn't he just tell the Black Wizard to not let Thor through? Or how about put another spell on Mjolnir since he is now king that will make it so no one can carry it? Later on, he tricks Papa Smurf into trying to kill Odin to only kill Papa Smurf instead. I still can't get by the fact that Odin's wife speech about Odin not wanting Loki to feel different as something that could not only let him love him again but also hate the Smurfs so much more. And in the end he turns the rainbow bridge into a death ray turn murder every Smurf ever because he wants to make Odin proud which doesn't make any sense since Odin detested the idea of bloodshed of any race and Loki agreed with him on this.Oh and did I forget to mention he knows a magically way around the Rainbow Bridge to get to other worlds. Do they find this secret path? Nope *shrug* I guess that wasn't important.
Furnace Man: To make sure Thor doesn't pick up Mjolnir Loki sends Furnace Man to go kill him and would you believe it Furnace Man can not only completely obliterate people but he can also blow up automobiles. But instead of complete vaporization Furnace Man pimp slaps Thor. Why? Because now he is still tangible to hold Mjolnir. DUH!!! Furnace Man is just here to be a guard and give Thor a threat in order to get Mjolnir back. Woo.
Sif: The goddess of war and probably Thor's best friend. Yeah, she is in this movie. Yeah, can't really say anything else beyond that. Go Sif?
The Mighty Three: Just imagine a scotsman, Robin Hood, and a samurai and you have these three. I guess they are here to show Thor's connection to Asgard? I can't really say much other than the scotsman sure loves to eat.
Thor: Finally, we're at the main character. When I first saw the footage for this movie I was worried. It reminded me of The Lion King. Here we have this asshole of a character and you expect me to root for him? Are you f*cking kidding me? Thankfully, Odin isn't Mufasa and sees that his son is a brat and banishes him to teach him a lesson. And now we can start liking Thor since he was already punished for his arrogance and now we can start believing that he will change versus still wanting him to get punished. He is actually portrayed quite well as a warrior. He kicks ass, acts strangely and rudely,and whatever. It's weird though when he behaves with caring for the first time since before all he wanted to do was genocide a whole race but maybe he is learning something from being so powerless? Who knows. Anyways, he isn't willing to tell anyone the truth about himself even though when he shows up he won't shut up about who he is. His transition from asshole to noble hero feels weird. At first, he beats the sh*t out of hospital people, then he politely eats a meal, then he acts charming, then he beats the sh*t of SHIELD, then he becomes depressed, then acts charming again, WTF?!? After beating up SHIELD Loki tells him Odin is dead because of him so Thor decides to uust dwell amongst the humans. But when he finds out Loki lied to him about his father instead of being super angry as he would he sacrifices himself to save Jane and apologizes to Loki for something neither he nor I know about. Did he really change that much within that time frame? Feels quick in context to the fact that Thor is presented as a stubborn character. It doesn't fail, but it's pushing it. Oh, and for the love of GOD get rid of the cape. I'm sorry, but wouldn't he look cooler without it?
Ego, Id, and Superego: This is actually quite brilliant. The ego, id, and superego and psychoanalytical terms. The ego being your consciousness or just you. Your id is your primitive instincts like sex. Your superego is your conscious that tells you what is right and wrong. Jane is the ego, Darcy is the id, and Erik is the superego. Sadly, this makes it feel like each of these characters aren't completely realized. In fact, the easiest thing to do would have been to take all these characters and combine them into one character: Jane. Othwise, they are feel incomplete. Except for maybe Erik.
SHIELD: One of the things I did not like about Iron Man 2 was the B story of SHIELD because it felt more like an Avengers trailer than anything else. In Thor though, they feel much more like a government organization that knows more than they are sharing and actually are implemented well into the story. Just blended in perfectly. If only Iron Man 2 did it like this. Ugh.
Hawkeye: HAWKEYE IS IN THE MOVIE!!! AND HE IS PLAYED BY JEREMY RENNER!!! OMG!!! By the way, does any one else find it weird that they decided to implement the hero of he Avengers whose only ability is to use a bow and arrow really well in a film about another hero who is basically a god. Yeah...that's going to be hard to pull off in the Avengers film...
Conclusion: It's an 80's movie for the new generation. I couldn't ask for a better iteration of Jack Kirby's Thor no matter how silly it looks. It's nowhere near perfect but it's fun. And you know what? This is exactly how The Lion King should have been. Loki should have turned into Scar, Odin into Mufasa, Smurfs into Hyenas, and so on and so forth. Thor: The Better Simba
Dreamland: Get it? Because Jack Kirby helped write it...Well I thought it was funny! Anyways, the design of Asgard feels like it belongs in the 80s. It's like He-Man and Hercules all over again! Asgard is so big it looks fake and costumes just make you want to giggle because the film actually wants you to take it seriously. Otherwise, it's an interestingly fleshed out world...I mean land...Dreamland.
Ice Box: It's a McGuffin. It's freezes stuff. And it's a box. It's held up in the Dreamland Armory even though it is shown to contain lightning a certain villain didn't think about using it... anyways, it originally belonged to a certain group of people....
Smurfs: The frost giants are a race of giants composed of stone and can produce ice on their person like knives and such and live in one of the 9 realms ruled under Dreamland. They aren't really evil or anything so couldn't it be said that Thor is racist and indulged in a hate crime? Oh well, let's call them the Smurfs of the Snow Level.
Papa Smurf: Except he doesn't wear red and thus you cannot distinguish him from any of the other Smurfs unless they close up on his face when he talks menacingly. After Thor starts a war with his people he casually talks to Loki even though he wants to kill Asgardians and then is lead into the heart of Asgard to kill Odin instead of sending a lacky which would have been easier. So why is this guy evil again? Didn't he just want more freedom from Asgard and tried to rebel only to get his ass handed to him and then having his people's most sacred object stolen even though Asgard has a room full of weapons that are probably more powerful...Sounds like Avatar...LEAVE THE BLUE PEOPLE ALONE!!!
Rainbow Bridge: Must. Refrain. From gay joke. Just imagine a multicolored wormhole connecting 2 worlds together like Dreamland and the Snow Level. It's how travel works in this film. Except for some reason when Mjolnir goes through the Rainbow Bridge it comes out somewhere different. Also, if you keep the rainbow bridge open it will turn into a death ray...WHAT?!?
Black Wizard: Heimdall is a gatekeeper. Of the Rainbow Bridge. And he is now black instead of white. I've heard some people complain about this and I have a perfectly legit reason why he was turned black. It's because he is God. He is hinted as being as powerful if not more so than Odin, can see and hear anything anywhere, and not even freezing him works. He is the same character we have seen in Bruce Almighty, Shawshank Redemption, and The Shining. I call this character the Black Wizard. Trust me, you see them more than you realize...*cou-all of Morgan Freeman's films-gh*
Odin: He is the god of gods, all powerful, defeated an entire race, is wise and smart, has been shown to magically teleport since the writers couldn't think of anything else, and gets brought down to a coma by Loki yelling at him. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!?!? I don't care how old you are; IMMORTAL IS IMMORTAL.
Loki: When we first see Loki he has slick black hair which can only mean one thing: He is the villain. For most of the film Loki is totally in the right. He respects his father, doesn't want Thor, the jocky, to be king, and is quite clever and nice. After finding out he is part Smurf (possibly Papa Smurf's son) he yells Odin into a coma and resents him only for Odin's wife to give her thirty seconds of dialogue which cause Loki to love his father again and resent the Smurfs...What? So now he is king and instead of doing something retarded like bring Thor back since their was a good reason for him to banished he goes to see Thor and tells him he is not allowed back home because of a truce with the Smurfs and that Odin is dead. Why does he say this? Couldn't he just say the truth and that even though he is the king he would be unwise to allow Thor admittance back home for his arrogance? Though that leaves the chance for Thor to change and come back home so I don't know. He then tries to pick up Mjolnir only to find that he can't pick it up so he sends Furnace Man to kill Thor so he will never be able to get back home again. Wait, couldn't he just tell the Black Wizard to not let Thor through? Or how about put another spell on Mjolnir since he is now king that will make it so no one can carry it? Later on, he tricks Papa Smurf into trying to kill Odin to only kill Papa Smurf instead. I still can't get by the fact that Odin's wife speech about Odin not wanting Loki to feel different as something that could not only let him love him again but also hate the Smurfs so much more. And in the end he turns the rainbow bridge into a death ray turn murder every Smurf ever because he wants to make Odin proud which doesn't make any sense since Odin detested the idea of bloodshed of any race and Loki agreed with him on this.Oh and did I forget to mention he knows a magically way around the Rainbow Bridge to get to other worlds. Do they find this secret path? Nope *shrug* I guess that wasn't important.
Furnace Man: To make sure Thor doesn't pick up Mjolnir Loki sends Furnace Man to go kill him and would you believe it Furnace Man can not only completely obliterate people but he can also blow up automobiles. But instead of complete vaporization Furnace Man pimp slaps Thor. Why? Because now he is still tangible to hold Mjolnir. DUH!!! Furnace Man is just here to be a guard and give Thor a threat in order to get Mjolnir back. Woo.
Sif: The goddess of war and probably Thor's best friend. Yeah, she is in this movie. Yeah, can't really say anything else beyond that. Go Sif?
The Mighty Three: Just imagine a scotsman, Robin Hood, and a samurai and you have these three. I guess they are here to show Thor's connection to Asgard? I can't really say much other than the scotsman sure loves to eat.
Thor: Finally, we're at the main character. When I first saw the footage for this movie I was worried. It reminded me of The Lion King. Here we have this asshole of a character and you expect me to root for him? Are you f*cking kidding me? Thankfully, Odin isn't Mufasa and sees that his son is a brat and banishes him to teach him a lesson. And now we can start liking Thor since he was already punished for his arrogance and now we can start believing that he will change versus still wanting him to get punished. He is actually portrayed quite well as a warrior. He kicks ass, acts strangely and rudely,and whatever. It's weird though when he behaves with caring for the first time since before all he wanted to do was genocide a whole race but maybe he is learning something from being so powerless? Who knows. Anyways, he isn't willing to tell anyone the truth about himself even though when he shows up he won't shut up about who he is. His transition from asshole to noble hero feels weird. At first, he beats the sh*t out of hospital people, then he politely eats a meal, then he acts charming, then he beats the sh*t of SHIELD, then he becomes depressed, then acts charming again, WTF?!? After beating up SHIELD Loki tells him Odin is dead because of him so Thor decides to uust dwell amongst the humans. But when he finds out Loki lied to him about his father instead of being super angry as he would he sacrifices himself to save Jane and apologizes to Loki for something neither he nor I know about. Did he really change that much within that time frame? Feels quick in context to the fact that Thor is presented as a stubborn character. It doesn't fail, but it's pushing it. Oh, and for the love of GOD get rid of the cape. I'm sorry, but wouldn't he look cooler without it?
Ego, Id, and Superego: This is actually quite brilliant. The ego, id, and superego and psychoanalytical terms. The ego being your consciousness or just you. Your id is your primitive instincts like sex. Your superego is your conscious that tells you what is right and wrong. Jane is the ego, Darcy is the id, and Erik is the superego. Sadly, this makes it feel like each of these characters aren't completely realized. In fact, the easiest thing to do would have been to take all these characters and combine them into one character: Jane. Othwise, they are feel incomplete. Except for maybe Erik.
SHIELD: One of the things I did not like about Iron Man 2 was the B story of SHIELD because it felt more like an Avengers trailer than anything else. In Thor though, they feel much more like a government organization that knows more than they are sharing and actually are implemented well into the story. Just blended in perfectly. If only Iron Man 2 did it like this. Ugh.
Hawkeye: HAWKEYE IS IN THE MOVIE!!! AND HE IS PLAYED BY JEREMY RENNER!!! OMG!!! By the way, does any one else find it weird that they decided to implement the hero of he Avengers whose only ability is to use a bow and arrow really well in a film about another hero who is basically a god. Yeah...that's going to be hard to pull off in the Avengers film...
Conclusion: It's an 80's movie for the new generation. I couldn't ask for a better iteration of Jack Kirby's Thor no matter how silly it looks. It's nowhere near perfect but it's fun. And you know what? This is exactly how The Lion King should have been. Loki should have turned into Scar, Odin into Mufasa, Smurfs into Hyenas, and so on and so forth. Thor: The Better Simba
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