Why The Lion King Sucks

We all cherish those childhood cartoons and that escapism we felt while watching them, but there comes a time when you must see those cartoons for what they are.The moment you attack the movies someone grew up with they get all defensive and actually try to convince you otherwise. It's ridiculous. They don't have to prove anything to anyone. The thing about movies is that they are enjoyed subjectively. That's why I find it boring when someone says their favorite movies are timeless black and white classics, yet they were born in the 90s. It's like they feel they have to like good movies otherwise they look stupid. It's why so many people like 2001: A Space Odyssey even though they all get numb of boredom in the first 6 hours (real time: 5 minutes). Isn't real love the kind where you accept both pros and cons? My favorite film is Star Wars yet I'll be the first to say it's kind of dumb. A greedy assassin named Greedo? Seriously? The Lion King is a bad movie, but that doesn't mean you're wrong in liking it. So please don't say some bullsh*t argument like:

It's a "Retelling" of Hamlet

Actually, it's just a rip off of Kimba the White Lion, and don't even get me started on The Thief and the Cobbler!

That's not even an argument. It's a f*cking statement. An untrue statement, mind you. The Lion King's story is about a prince who runs away, sees the ghost of his father, and comes back home to dethrone his uncle. That's it. A ghostly father figure and an evil uncle does not in fact make a movie a retelling of Hamlet. And even if they were the only check boxes you needed to mark off on the "How to Hamlet Handbook" that doesn't make a movie "good." Do you know what other movie had a ghostly father figure and an evil uncle? Transformers 2!! Coincidentally, Shakespeare was considered the Michael Bay of his time who would make up words constantly and say countless dick jokes (especially in Hamlet). Plus people seem to forget that Hamlet was about a vengeful prince that was hesitant to kill his uncle because he wanted to f*ck his mom. No one can really say that about The Lion King now can they?! Maybe because at the end of the day Simba learned nothing because...

Mufasa Died in the Wrong Scene

WWWWWWWRONG!!! Idjit.

I'm going to assume you know that their are only a few amount of stories out there in the world and Hollywood just repeats them over and over. It's why after only watching the first half an hour of a movie so many people can guess the ending. It is for this reason that The Lion King is so screwed up; it doesn't know what story it is. It begins with the story about a high standing asshole who loses everything and must learn humility to regain his position. In order for the asshole story to work the asshole must do something asshole-ish in order to lose everything. For instance, in Thor, Thor attacks the frost giants and then proceeds to get banished by his dad. It is then that he must learn kindness and sacrifice to become a true hero. In The Lion King, Simba invades the Elephant Graveyard and almost starts a full on war with the hyenas because of his asshole-ish attitude. It is here that Mufasa should have died causing Simba to actually have something to reflect over. Instead Mufasa dies in the scene where Simba ACTUALLY DOES SOMETHING GOOD AND LISTENS TO HIS ELDER. Simba is set up not to learn anything deep but instead to learn he had nothing to learn at all! Then the movie decides to just throw out all that character development Simba built up in the first act and start a completely new arc in the outskirts where...

Timon and Pumbaa are Villains

Look at them. Look at them!! THEY LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HENCHMEN

Raise your hand if you've seen Pinocchio! Wow, all of you? Really? That makes my job easier! In Pinocchio our main character, some puppet whose name escapes me, meets a sly fox and a crafty cat and is convinced to turn his back on everything and go have fun as an ass. You know who else did that? That's right! Timon and Pumbaa! In fact, if you had actually remembered the movie you're defending you'd remember that they're actually only using Simba as a way to scare off other animals as a makeshift bodyguard and to do so convince him to "turn his back on the world". "But they become his friends as time grows!" Wrong. In fact, when we skip to when they were older they still view Simba as a bodyguard. After meeting Timon and Pumbaa Simba's story turns from asshole learning humility to slacker learning responsibility except he's not running from responsibility. He's running from murder charges. That sh*t's hot though! Just ask Nala! Anyways, the one and only reason you don't believe Timon and Pumbaa were villains is because...

The Songs Are Getting You High

Oooooooh! That's what Hakuna Matata means!

Dopamine is one hell of a drug. Did you know that the reason we love pop songs so much is because they tickle the pleasure center of our brains in such a way that we get flooded in good feelings? Seriously. It's why after an unmemorable movie you come out saying you liked it because the credits rolled over the latest pop sensation. There is not a single negative song in The Lion King. Hell, when Scar sings about taking over Pride Rock to his followers I don't feel all that bad because the only thing Scar promises them is food and integration into the "Circle of Life." In case, you didn't get it Mufasa is a huge racist. When Timon and Pumbaa sing that one song that sounds like gypsy gibberish that should be a bad song. It's the equivalent of a guy walking up to you and offering you that Afghani Kush, man. But of course it's portrayed as the happiest song in the f*cking world. The worst part about the songs is that they serve no purpose. They don't push the story forward, they don't reveal anything about the characters, they're just filler pop made to get you high so you feel that you actually thought it was good. But just like any high it vanishes leaving you with the same feeling of your first love where you only remember the feeling and none of the truth. Like I said in the beginning though, it's fine if you like to get high. No one's judging you for it. No one likes being judged. I'm pretty sure I'm being judging for pointing this out though! But if I can respect you for liking a movie I dislike then you can respect me for disliking one you like... Crackhead.