Introduction: I don't really see this new Star Trek series as Star
Trek. I see it more as a demo reel JJ Abrams prepared for Disney
alongside Super 8, so he can show off how much he loves the movie brats
and how awesome he would be as a director for Star Wars. And you know
what? He totally would! The effects are really good, the action scenes
are interesting, the make up for aliens isn't f*cking CG, and Kirk even
says "Punch it." That's Han Solo's line! Coincidentally, those are the
only things that are good in Star Trek Into Darkness because this movie
can go straight to Vulcan (and in case you didn't see the first Star
Trek, Vulvan was turned into a black hole for some reason).
The Motherf*cking Plot: Before I get into anything I'd like to first
try to explain the plot. Holy sh*t, this plot. So after the first film
the Admiral of Starfleet just decides to trek through the stars because
he believes an inevitable war with Klingon will occur. No, Klingon has
nothing to do with the first film. He comes upon a 300 year old space
craft with 73 frozen super-criminals and thaws one out so he can design
the most high tech weapons ever seen. A 300 year old British guy named
Khan. Makes sense. For some reason Khan decides to stop and hides his
cryo-criminal crew inside missiles in place of explosives. He leaves and
thinks the Admiral killed his crew, so he bombs some stuff in order to
set up the Admiral for an assault but is foiled by Kirk and teleports to
Klingon. The Admiral unknowingly puts the frozen criminal missiles on
the Enterprise and orders Kirk to bomb Khan on Klingon, but the Admiral
tampers with the Enterprise's engines so it gets stranded near the
Klingon planet. So the Enterprise crew go get Khan and in the process
murder dozens of Klingon soldiers while also finding the frozen
criminals in the missiles. The Admiral shows up with a big ship
because...stuff...and shoots the Enterprise because Khan is on it. The
Enterprise shoots Khan and Kirk at the big ship to stop it and they
succeed, but then Khan is like "Give me my frozen crew and I'll blow you
up!" So the Enterprise gives him the missiles but switches out the
frozen bodies with actual explosives. So everything blows up, Kirk dies,
comes back to life, and a year later the Klingons have still not retaliated
against the murder of their people. I guess you were wrong Admiral YOU
F*CKING IDIOT.
The Motherf*cking Story: "Hey Ethan, the story is the plot! Idiot!"
FALSE. The plot is the events that unfold, the story is the character's
journey through the plot. For instance, a plot point in Dark Knight is
that the Joker burned half of Harvey Dent's face and turned him evil.
The story is how Harvey Dent realized that his way of doing things led
to his deformity and his fiance's death, and as such he decides to take a
different route to uphold the justice he has always sought. It's
important when watching a movie to get inside a character's head and
think about the story. What the f*ck was the story for Star Trek Into
Darkness? I can't tell because everyone has the same story. Kirk learns
to be a leader, Spock learns to accept his emotions, and the villain
wants revenge. The story is the same as the first one! What the hell?!
What's the point of the f*cked up plot if the story is the same? No one
truly learns anything. It's like an 80s Saturday morning cartoon. It
ends with the status quo. The movie struggles to come up with something
at the end but it just comes off as retarded. Revenge? Really? But
Kirk's want for revenge led to finding the truth about the missiles and
the Admiral, and so did Spock's revenge when he captured Khan in order
to revive Kirk. I guess the real story was about how revenge can lead to
good things. Wait, isn't that the story of Revenge of the Nerds? Oh
80s, you crazy bastard.
The Motherf*cking Lens Flares: Actually, kinda bearable.
Conclusion: You know what's funny? Fast & Furious 6 is quite
similar to this movie. It's about a team of individuals who work to stop
a threat that mirrors them and they learn the importance of family. Star
Trek just couldn't figure that out. It was too busy trying to reference
every little thing from the Star Trek series WHICH ISN'T WHAT MAKES A
STAR TREK FILM. It needs, above all else, heart. So does that mean Fast & Furious 6
is a better film? In my correct opinion, yes, very much so. 6 films in and it's more
fun and charming than whatever the hell this was.
