Now that Bald-Actor-With-Gas-Themed-
Name has more of an audience
backing him up after making the 16th film in a franchise about car
chases he can now go back to his passion of making movies about a menace
murdering mercenaries at midnight on a marooned meteor. I know it's a
planet but that would have ruined the alliteration! In case you haven't
watched the other movies in the series just Google them! You can't be
this lazy, can you?! Of course not! Anyone who spends as much time as
you on the computer must be in shape! Circle is still a shape, right? I
hope my friendly attitude makes you want to read the rest of this
Riddick review cause we're really gonna roll along right away!
Back to Black
 |
| Winehouse would be proud. |
So here's your crash course in the Riddick series. The first film was a
sci-fi/horror film about some guys trying to escape some monsters. The
second film went in an interesting direction and was a
sci-fi/fantasy/horror/action/
adventure about a rebel fighting
against an evil empire (see:
Star Wars). But you don't need to know any
of that! Because this film don't give a f*ck about the second film! It
goes back to black (Ha!) by using the same beats as the first film. They
probably did this because more people liked
Pitch Black than
Chronicles
of Riddick, and what better way to get more fans than to give them what
they like? And that's great! The only problem is that after
Chronicles
took the series in such a huge direction and expanded the universe to
such a degree this film feels like a full stop. It's not necessarily
bad, but it might turn people off in that the series doesn't really move forward plot wise.
Dick B. Riddick
 |
| And just like that he lost all his street cred. |
Speaking of turning people off! That's Riddick's full name! Don't you
just want to f*ck him, laddies? Well that's what happens in this movie
when Dick comes face to face with a lesbian (Ha!). Sounds like someone
hasn't got laid in a while. Though that would make sense since the first
act of the film is about Dick trying to survive on an alien world with
Old Yeller. It's easily the best part of the film as we learn to admire
his determination and skill. Audience members love a character who is
good at what they do and Dick has got this down. Sadly, when he
activates a beacon mercenaries and bounty hunters come looking for his
head, and while it's fun seeing him take them out by the time they work
together the film takes a nose dive. Dick has no character other than
skilled penetrator (Ha!) and during the third act you're left with no one to
route for. F*ck it
.
B for Boobies
 |
| Can you find the lesbian? |
The B is because this is a B movie. I say that because I don't want
people to think that this paragraph is just about breasts. By the way,
their are a lot of breasts in this movie and I was quite surprised. When
was the last time you saw a movie with bare breasts? Seriously, name
it. Go to the comments section and name it. I'm writing this at 4 am so I
truly can't think of any. The point being it's refreshing and I always
welcome something refreshing *holds up a soda* When I need to be
refreshed I always go with Coca-Cola Vanilla. I'm not advertising
anything. I just love Coke Vanilla. I also love B movies! They're always
so imaginative and have the best one-liners! And boobies!
Conclusion
 |
| Gorgeous. |
Riddick isn't the best movie around. The third act falls on it's face
and the characters are all the same person, but it has a good amount of
charm and it's refreshing to watch. If you were a fan of
Chronicles
don't expect the same adventure. If you were a fan of
Pitch Black well
then lucky you! You feel good, huh?! Now when you tell your friends
Pitch Black was better you're gonna bring up
Riddick and how even the
creators agree! Will that make you feel smarter, Ethan?! Huh?! Will it?!
