Introduction: Typically, at the end of the year I kinda just go through every movie I either didn't have the time to review, had no
interest to review, didn't mention in my "best of" and "worst of" lists,
or was too afraid to review for fear of being struck down by the Jewish
God, Adonai. He's a bit biased when it comes to movies, but that's a
story for another time that will never come up. Shall we?
Ghost Rider 2: I love Nicolas Cage. I'm sorry but that man is
consistently unintentionally funny. I don't even care if that sentence
doesn't work. I still thank the Hollywood executive everyday who thought it was a
good idea to mix the guys who did this with the guy who did this.
The Secret World of Arrietty: Studio Ghibli makes some beautifully
animated movies. The Secret World of Arrietty (ie The Borrowers) is no
exception. The story is a bit slow but this movie almost won my pick for
favorite animated film.
The Lorax: Wow, maybe I spoke too soon for worst animated film. I just
watched this on Netflix and it is just completely devoid of a soul. The
music can't be any more mainstream and "pop," the main motivation for
our hero is to make out with an older woman, and the Lorax does literally
nothing this whole Gawd damn movie.
John Carter: Did you know that Superman was originally about an alien
who came to our planet and because of the gravity difference he gained
super strength, super speed, and super jumping (ie no heat vision or
flying). John Carter is Superman, b*tches, and I wouldn't have it any
other way.
Jeff, Who Lives at Home: F*ck this movie. Seriously. It's
predictable, the snap zoom is more annoying than lens flare, and it's
trying so hard to be an indie it actually rubs you in such the wrong way
you wouldn't even let a prostitute rub you that way. Even if she didn't
have AIDS.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: I love me a British comedy!
Especially a British comedy about old people! Cause old people are so
funny! The way they don't understand things and say racist comments.
Wait, no, I'm thinking about internet trolls. Anyways, this movie does
have some good laughs but it's sadly wayyyy too predictable.
Madagascar 3: I missed the days when cartoons would be cartoony.
Characters would explode with no consequence, the laws of physics would
break and bend constantly, and it was just plain fun instead of
emotional to the point of tears. Thank you, Madagascar 3, for being
cartoony.
Your Sister's Sister: So the guy who directed Jeff, Who Lives at Home
stars in this movie along with Emily Blunt and boy does it rock. It's
about 2 best friends who are secretly in love with each other but then
the male accidentally bangs his best friend's lesbian sister. C'mon, it
has the L word.
Magic Mike: I went into this movie with a female friend hoping to God
I wouldn't see too much dong; however, I was surprised to see that the
only nudity involved was of the female variety. Beyond that the story
was actually pretty interesting and the acting was pretty solid. Now all
they need to do is make a movie about a movie blogger called Ethereal
Ethan.
Ted: Wow, this movie was hysterical. Well most of the time. This was
Numerous Voices Guy's first feature film as a direcotr and even though I
was expecting more I still got plenty of jokes out of it.
The Imposter: This is a documentary about a con man who impersonates
as a missing boy from the US. He gets sent to the US to be reunited with
his "family" and they actually fall for it. It's very psychological and
engaging.
Hope Springs: No, no, no, nope, na-ah, nooooooo, no-no-no-no-no-no,
nope, no, no. NOOOOOOOOOO. Any movie with a scene involving Tommy Lee
Jones making love to Meryl Streep that leaves you with a deep rooted
fear that his face will fall off on her just no. No. Stop.
The Bourne Legacy: A movie that has switched out Bourne with Hawkeye
except instead of calling itself Hawkeye it's called Bourne 4 and
replaced his bow and arrow with a hand gun and drugs. Yay drugs!
The Campaign: Oh c'mon! Will Ferrell as a politician! That's pure
comedy gold! How do you screw that up! The only funny thing I remember
from this movie was an old Asian maid talking like a racist black woman
because her boss said so. Yupp...
The Possession: Omg, omg, omg! It's the Jewish Exorcist! I'm Jewish!
Thus I like this movie even more than I should because of the Judaism!
Oh look! Rabbis! I know who those are! Hebrew writings! I can read
Hebrew! In all seriousness though, I am Jewish.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower: What a let down. No, not the story
of high school in the 90s or the main character growing into his own as a
person. That stuff is amazing. It's a let down in that Emma Watson's
first role after being the love interest to a ginger is as a Manic Pixie
Dream Girl.
Taken 2: Better names include Taken Too, Also Taken, Taken Again, or
Takener. It's yet another generic Liam Nielson action flick except this
one cares 70% less about doing a good job as you watch a girl in her
swinsuit throw grenades all over a foreign country as a form of sonar. I
sh*t you not.
Argo: A movie that goes out of it's way to prove that reality is
actually stranger than fiction. The premise is how the government teams
up with Hollywood to create a fake movie so they can save some Americans
from a foreign country. The performances might be wooden like wood cut
from wood in wood forest but damn this movie is well done.
Skyfall: Well I've never seen this before. The finale to a gritty
reboot about how awesome the older version of the series was when they
didn't take themselves too seriously and just had fun while also being
about old age and death. I haven't really loved the new James Bond
reboot because of it's lack of fun but this one has brought me around.
The villain throws a f*cking train at him for God's sake!
Wreck-It Ralph: Wreck-It Ralph is a spin-off of Night at the Museum
about video games coming to life at night instead of silly things like
squids and paintings. Sadly, no one is around at night to watch things
come to life because Disney realized that just watching things come to
life with personalities and interacting with one another was interesting
enough anyways.
Lincoln: Lincoln is the latest Oscar bait film that just screams
"Hey! Look at all the great actors! Just look at how great they are!
Everyone is a great actor so you have to give me an Oscar for best
performance! Gimme gimme gimme!" A movie about how far should one go to
do the right thing. Just like The Dark Knight... Omg! Lincoln is Batman!
Life of Pi: Life of Pi is a movie that tries to be about a kid named
Pi but is in no way interesting. Thankfully, it's message about why God
exists through our inability to cope with the horrors of real life is
amazing. Wait, but the movie said it was about proving God exists, not
why he exists... Oh well!
Rise of the Guardians: A story about a fun guy learning he is
fun...wtf? Beyond that though it's a fun movie that plays off people's
love for the Avengers except it's aimed at kids by having holiday
figures instead of superheroes. Are you having fun yet?
The Hobbit: Ugh, another f*cking movie about midgets. I couldn't wait
to see this movie when it was just one movie but a whole trilogy that's
nine hours long? What the f*ck?! So what we have is a 45 minute short
stretched to 3 f*cking hours! It feels like it goes on forever as you
just wish the movie would f*ckinggo on and on!
The Guilt Trip: I know I should hate this movie. I really should. But
it so perfectly gets down me and my mom it's scary. We literally
smirked at unfunny lines because of how we say them everyday. It's like
the actors were secretly watching me and my mom for months. I apologize
for all the porn.
Conclusion: I still watch too many movies, and it's still oh so worth it.
