Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Top 9 Worst Movies of 2012

Introduction: To be completely honest, I didn't see that many bad movies this year. In fact, I loved this year in film. I think that this is mainly because of the films I was exposed to this year (ie I didn't see any f*cking Adam Sandler or Eddie Murphy sh*t). That doesn't mean I didn't see any Gawd awful movies this year. Horrible movies will always exist so long as good ones do. Anyways, this year I decided to go through the worst movies in their respective genres in order from least to most. That way I have some variety in my list. Shall we start?

9) Worst Romance: Twilight Part 5 Breaking Dawn Part 2
If you read my review of this movie you might be asking yourself why I have it here if I enjoyed it so much. Well first off, a movie that's "so bad it's good" is still bad either way. That's just common sense. Secondly, this is still the worst romance of the year. It is still excruciating for me to watch as these two cardboard cutouts stand next to each other and dishonorably and dishonestly use the word "love" to describe whatever the f*ck they are doing. My 14 year old dog and his plush toy frog (who he humps regularly) have more chemistry than these two.

8) Worst Guilty Pleasure: Battleship
Battleship is the latest film to try and make a movie based off of a board game (hey, sometimes it works) and fail horribly. The story follows John Carter of Mars as he tries to defeat actually believable aliens with sonar that's more accurate than Chuck Norris when he's at the urinal. The film does have some legitimate good moments. Like I said, the aliens are believable but more than that the beginning and end of the film have some of the most unintentionally hysterical moments this year. Sadly, the fact that the movie felt that ripping off Transformers was a good idea just shows how f*cking bad it was.

7) Worst Animated: Brave
Hopefully the first and last Pixar movie that will be near the word worst. To be fair though this wasn't Pixar's fault. Production destroyed this movie. The story is about a girl who doesn't want to accept responsibility and just wants to have fun and f*ck buff guys, and as such she poisons her mother and learns that if you poison your mother you can get whatever you want. Seriously, if you go back and watch that movie there is a scene where she sees a buff guy and totally wants to jump his bones. This is our hero folks. Oh and the animation was breathtaking.

6) Worst Found Footage: Project X
Did you know that the director of this movie gave the cast a bunch of recording devices so that he can literally make a found footage movie since it's literally found footage? So why doesn't this work? Because if a bunch of people were at the greatest party to ever be held by a sentient life form people wouldn't be walking around filming instead of, you know, PARTYING. Forcing the cast to film stuff shows everything wrong with found footage films in that they fell f*cking forced.

5) Worst Musical: Rock of Ages
Rock of Ages was that new jukebox musical you had absolutely no interest in seeing with music being butchered by the likes of Tom Cruise and Russell Brand. Beyond the horrible music we are given a plot so unmemorable and cliched I'm going to literally guess right now that it was about a girl striving to become a star singer but learns of how bad the business actually is. Was I right? Eh, whatever.

4) Worst Laughs: Mirror Mirror
Snow White and the Huntsman may have had Kristen Stewart but Charlize Theron was brilliant in it and the special effects were something to behold. I'm trying to add context to Mirror Mirror which is quite possibly the worst Snow White adaption I have ever seen. Most of the jokes involve the Queen wanting to f*ck some guy and a bunch of midget jokes. More than the horrible story or characters, the effects made it feel below par for a SyFy channel movie. Plus the movie tries to make the Evil Queen relatable even though SHE'S EVIL.

3) Worst Drama: The Words
This movie pisses me off because it tries to trick you into thinking it has some deeper meaning by being ambiguous and incomprehensible. Plagiarism is apparently okay in this movie as it tells the story of a struggling writer copy someone's novel for his own and when he is found out literally nothing changes. The original writer just strolls in and tells him his life story and leaves. Argh! This movie is like meeting someone you think is really smart at first but soon you realize they're just an idiot trying to appear smart. F*ck you!

2) Worst Fantasy: The Amazing Spider-Man
 I love Spider-Man. I grew up with him and grew to love him as a character. He was a sidekick without the superhero. He was a outcast teenager who dealt with his frustrations by dressing up and spewing witty punchlines while also literally punching people. He was seen as a menace and had to prove to himself that he as a hero in honor of his dead uncle. The Sam Raimi film franchise really hit on these things as you watched a kid deal with everyday life as a superhero. Sure the first one was flawed and the third sucked but it was still a good trilogy, in my opinion. But since the studio needed a new Spider-Man movies less they lose the franchise they gave this piece of sh*t. No longer was he a superhero but an actual menace. No longer was he an outcast but the most likable kid in school (who everyone disliked). No longer was he Spider-Man but the Punisher. What's worse is that they promised something new and exciting and I was all up for that, but instead we got this...this... *sigh* Just f*ck you, seriously.

1) Worst Scares: Chernobyl Diaries
I remember going out to see this movie with a group of friends. I talked through the entire first half because I couldn't believe how utterly f*cking stupid and bad this movie was. My friends soon shooshed me and we watched the second half in absolute horror. The movie somehow got even worse. Characters started acting cartoony in the worst way possible devoid of any unintentional humor or delight. The story somehow got so dumb I felt insulted (something I can say almost never happens). The monsters weren't even shown giving me nothing to be scared about. We soon walked out and my friends and I were shocked by the hole we just dropped our money in. Worst of all, it was a found footage film without any of the found footage. That's right. These assholes actually gave us a film with disorienting and unfocused shaky cam without a character behind the shaky cam just because it was so popular and because it was so cheap. I may have hated Amazing Spider-Man because of my love for Spider-Man but I hate Chernobyl Diaries because of my love for film.