So for this review I'll just be going by character and their overall involvement in the film and what worked and what for f*ck's sake DID NOT WORK.
Peter Parker/Spiderman: Peter Parker starts off in this movie feeling like that one guy who died on the Titanic. He can now magically see MJ's plays as well as have the entire city love him. Even though they loved him before it is now to the point of a f*cking mascot. One of the first things he does as a hero is stop a construction crane from going crazy. Oh wait!! Did I say that?! I meant he saves some blonde named Gwen Stacy and leaves the out of control crane to destroy more sh*t and possibly kill more people. Nice going there, Tiger. He is then brought to the police station and is told that his Uncle's killer was someone else and just broke out of jail. Instead of thinking "Oh God, I killed an innocent man. The thing that pushed me to do good was a lie." NO, he thinks "WTF?! I killed the wrong f*cking guy?! Jesus H. Christ!! Now I have to go kill this guy too!!" Yeah, Peter Parker is totally in f*cking character. Then the black symbiote comes along and blah blah blah I'll talk about that sh*t later. Peter removes the symbiote and gets rid of it in a safe location so no one has to feel like that again. Oh wait, I mean he just sits there and does nothing as it takes over another idiot within screaming distance. So he saves MJ and forgives his Uncle's real murderer, who is Sandman btw *sigh*, and everything ends. Peter learned to forgive someone after he already believed to have killed him in the first place. What if he wasn't made of sand? Peter would have flat out mutilated him! This is our hero, folks.
Mary Jane Watson: So our movie starts with Mary Jane in a musical and HOLY F*CK SHE SOUNDS AMAZING. But even though she was f*cking amazing in her last play for some reason she fails here. After seeing Peter do the completely out of character act of kissing Gwen Stacy she gets angry at him. Hey! Idiot Peter! If you wanted to marry her why did you kiss Gwen!? F*cking moron! So they argue and MJ falls in love with Harry Osborn, aka that one guy who left her for dead in the first movie, and leaves. Suddenly, Harry burst into her apartment as the New Goblin and tells her to break up with Peter or he'll kill him... What? You tried that earlier and Peter kicked your ass. Whatever. She breaks up with him and next time we see her Peter is dancing around like a pro. Then she gets kidnapped. Peter saves her. The end. What did she learn? Peter is a f*cking asshole when not in a symbiote suit but learned he was better when he was playing the correct character.
Harry Osborn/New Goblin: Hahahahahahahahahaha so get this. Harry fights Peter and I sh*t you not he hits his head and gets amnesia. But it's not a normal amnesia. It's an amnesia that serves the plot only. Nothing else. So he remembers his dad dying but not his hate for Spiderman. *sneeze* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullsh*t!! He magically regains his memories and starts f*cking with Peter by ruining his relationship (read MJ above) even though it was already crumbling. Peter comes to fight him and after trying to kill Peter numerous times he gets his face half blown off by his own grenade to which his butler does the stupidest thing I have ever seen. He tells Harry that his father was killed by his own blade... WHY... IN F*CK'S SAKE... DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE!!!??? He realizes his mistakes and goes to help Peter only to die. The end. Wow. Just wow. Maybe you should have only used this character instead of Sandman!! If I wrote this script I would have gotten rid of Sandman entirely and have the movie introduce Harry by having him kill Aunt May and cause Peter to want revenge and put on the black suit. See? Instead of creating some pointless character to have Peter be pissed at Harry is now the aim of Peter's rage and we can see Peter trying to overcome this rage and grief. But hey, why do that when you can have AMNESIA!!! Oh and if you're wondering why I said Aunt May should die instead of MJ it's because if MJ died then you know the studio would make a GOD DAMN CLONE SAGA TRILOGY. And I think we have seen what clone's do to movies (see: Star Wars 2)
Sandman: So Sandman breaks out of jail and falls into some experiment machine thingy. Some scientist see a mass difference of about the equivalent of a human and they assume it's a bird... *facepalm* He gets turned into sand and I have to admit this sequence looks amazing. He goes to see his dying daughter and reveals he is robbing sh*t to pay for her medical bill. Ok? So does this go anywhere? Nope! So f*ck it! Around the end he suddenly wants to kill Spiderman even though in the beginning they said he only wants the money so WHY HAVE THIS STORY??? In the end he fly's away. Who gives a sh*t? He was just there to make Black Spiderman angry. That's it.
Gwen Stacy: She is here to create a bigger rift between Peter and MJ. Wow is she pointless. It literally could have been anyone and it would not have mattered. She has no character. The end.
Eddie Brock/Venom: So Eddie wants Peter's job. He doesn't get Peter's job. He wishes Peter died instead of maybe, idk, not having the job anymore. Turns into Venom. Dies in a blast that contradicts the rules that the film set in place earlier. He dies from the same type bomb that only destroyed half of Harry's face. And remember, it's him and the symbiote. I like how the writer was trying to show how Peter was battling his manifested inner demons but when Peter was taken over by the symbiote he didn't act in anyway like this. He might as well be fighting anyone. So Venom dies in like 10 minutes of being introduced. Wow, that impact cut me deep.... NOT.
Black Suit Spiderman: I love this character. He is outgoing, funny, charming, friendly, doesn't care what people think about him, doesn't hesitate, knows what he wants, and he is by far the best character in this film. Except he is supposed to be the exact opposite. He is supposed to be the dick, the asshole, the selfish little brat who we hate. Instead he dances and smiles like he doesn't have a care in the world. Gawd, I love him. Seriously, the only bad thing he did in this movie was hit Mary Jane ACCIDENTALLY. He hurts Harry after almost being murdered by him several times, he attacks a known murderer and thief, gives away Eddie as a fake and a liar, and he finally makes friends with that girl next door. Oh and he magically gained the ability to dance like a pro and play the piano like a pro. What can't Black Suit Spiderman do? Seriously, wouldn't it have been easier if say Black Suit Spiderman acted like a dick from the beginning by having him breaking up with MJ instead of the other way around and fool around with women (like the neighbor) and not care for anyone's safety. Like what if Eddie's picture of Black Suit Spiderman was real and he did rob the bank and Peter was struggling with his primal urges and doing the right thing. Wait, didn't he do something similar in the last movie? I don't know how to make this work perfectly but the writers should have put more though into it.
So these are my thoughts on Spiderman 3. I can see what they were trying to do and what they were going for but their is just too much going on and not enough focus. Seriously, they could have cut out Sandman and Gwen Stacy and just rewrite a lot of the story. But no, they got lazy and gave us this sh*t. At least they're not making another one... Oh... F*CK!!!
