Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review

Before I start ranting I guess I should explain what the f*ck The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is. It's the middle film in a trilogy where dwarves try to reclaim their homeland from a dragon, Smaug, by using an unexperienced hobbit named Bilbo to steal a jewel from the dragon that will give them the right to rule over all the dwarves. Thankfully, the leader of these dwarves is the rightful heir to the dwarves' kingdom so it's all okay. This is all based on a fairly small and simple children's book written by J.R.R. Tolkien about greed, courage, and maturity. But Peter Jackson don't give a f*ck about any of that! Let's watch a 2 hour story stretched into a 9 hour film!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Why The Lion King Sucks

We all cherish those childhood cartoons and that escapism we felt while watching them, but there comes a time when you must see those cartoons for what they are.The moment you attack the movies someone grew up with they get all defensive and actually try to convince you otherwise. It's ridiculous. They don't have to prove anything to anyone. The thing about movies is that they are enjoyed subjectively. That's why I find it boring when someone says their favorite movies are timeless black and white classics, yet they were born in the 90s. It's like they feel they have to like good movies otherwise they look stupid. It's why so many people like 2001: A Space Odyssey even though they all get numb of boredom in the first 6 hours (real time: 5 minutes). Isn't real love the kind where you accept both pros and cons? My favorite film is Star Wars yet I'll be the first to say it's kind of dumb. A greedy assassin named Greedo? Seriously? The Lion King is a bad movie, but that doesn't mean you're wrong in liking it. So please don't say some bullsh*t argument like:

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Riddick Review

Now that Bald-Actor-With-Gas-Themed-Name has more of an audience backing him up after making the 16th film in a franchise about car chases he can now go back to his passion of making movies about a menace murdering mercenaries at midnight on a marooned meteor. I know it's a planet but that would have ruined the alliteration! In case you haven't watched the other movies in the series just Google them! You can't be this lazy, can you?! Of course not! Anyone who spends as much time as you on the computer must be in shape! Circle is still a shape, right? I hope my friendly attitude makes you want to read the rest of this Riddick review cause we're really gonna roll along right away!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

My Thoughts on Batman/Superman

"Ethan, you seem like a knowledgeable guy. What do you think of Affleck as Batman?" This question just seems stupid to me. No matter how knowledgeable any person is they can not know that which is unknown. In other words, NO ONE F*CKING KNOWS YET. In addition, who cares? This is as infuriating as everyone commenting on Miley Cyrus at some award show thing. I haven't even seen it and I already know everyone is being ridiculous. This is the same reaction Elvis got when he showed off how skillful he was at using his pelvis. Just let her get it out of her and move on. Can we please grow up? Now we can talk about the movie with the invincible alien with a Jesus complex (Don't they all?) facing off against a billionaire who dresses as a bat at night to punch criminals to hide his deep-seeded issues.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Kick-Ass 2 Review

I f*cking hate writer's block. I haven't written anything in so long! You know what?! F*ck it! This is the End was the funniest movie this year, Much Ado About Nothing was the best Shakespeare adaption I've seen since Romeo + Juliet, Man of Steel forgot to include Superman, Monsters University was a fantastic prequel albeit weaker, Lone Ranger was a piece of sh*t until the end, Turbo was average, The Wolverine was average, Only God Forgives was the worst movie I've seen since Sucker Punch, and Elysium was the best movie this year that just made me want more! Who is ready for a review of Kick-Ass 2?! No one!? Okay!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Pacific Rim Review

I don't know how to start these kind of interactions. I always get nervous approaching a new venture like yourself. I saw you from across the hall and you looked pretty cool. You're not like everybody else here. You're lighthearted, fun, and genuinely original. I miss meeting unique people. Plus look at your style! You look brand new yet I can see the influences from the past! That shows respect and I love that. Oh I'm sorry, my name is Ethan. Nice to meet you, Pacific Rim.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Bling Ring Review

Like many, I was pretty excited when I saw the trailer for Bling Ring. There are 3 reasons as to why: 1) Emma Watson was in it, and she’s been pretty successful in her post-Potter roles. 2) The real life story behind the movie is fascinating. 3) I have a weakness for tragedies of which a character death takes place, and not physical death. This is when a character is a fairly normal/ successful person at the start of the story, then suddenly an event causes them to be obsessed with an idea (money, fame, revenge) and this idea causes their personality to do a complete 180, leading to their ultimate demise. Good examples of Character death would be Sweeney Todd, Death Note, Lord of the Flies, Requiem for a Dream, and even Great Gatsby in a sense. With everything I’ve researched on the Bling Ring, this seemed to be a prime example of one of those movies. A fascinating true life story of how the idea of fame consumed and destroyed the life of upper-class west coast teens. I say seemed to be because it wasn’t, and in fact it is the single most irritating movie I’ve ever seen in my life.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Purge Review

The year is 2022 and America is run by a group known as the New Founding Fathers (How can you found something that's already been founded? Did they just re-market America as New America? I guess they're luckier than Pepsi.) and they have started a national pastime called "purging." Once a year, for 12 hours, everything is legal. You can do whatever you want and no police or ambulances will be on duty. Think about how many stories that premise could tell; hackers bringing down corrupt organizations, banks losing all their money, children burning down schools, and just utter chaos everywhere. Sadly, when I asked my mother for further examples she said "I'd get a better job." In The Purge though, everyone just resorts to killing. That's it. But why do this at all? Read on to find out!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Iron Man III Review

I know this is a bit late but what the hell? I've had this film fester in my mind for a while now and can say without a doubt in my mind that I loved it. It is one of the best finales to a trilogy I've seen that belongs up there with Last Crusade and Back to the Future Part III. It's also the first movie I've seen that's technically the sequel to two movies; Iron Man II and The Avengers. Sadly, Iron Man II had the unfortunate duty of mainly being a preview for The Avengers and failed as a movie itself. Without having anything to hold it back Iron Man III shines as it focuses on Tony Stark in a post-Avengers world. I wonder how he'll handle it.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Star Trek 2 Review

Introduction: I don't really see this new Star Trek series as Star Trek. I see it more as a demo reel JJ Abrams prepared for Disney alongside Super 8, so he can show off how much he loves the movie brats and how awesome he would be as a director for Star Wars. And you know what? He totally would! The effects are really good, the action scenes are interesting, the make up for aliens isn't f*cking CG, and Kirk even says "Punch it." That's Han Solo's line! Coincidentally, those are the only things that are good in Star Trek Into Darkness because this movie can go straight to Vulcan (and in case you didn't see the first Star Trek, Vulvan was turned into a black hole for some reason).

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Revolving: Random Access Memories

Introduction: I remember the first time I listened to Daft Punk; I was watching Toonami and enjoying my religious viewing of Tenchi Muyo (or whatever anime was on) when during their commercial break a music video came on with an awesome animation of aliens being disguised as humans. It took many years before I found out that was Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger. I was in love and now Discovery is one of my favorite album's of all time. Human After All was released later on and while it was a good album it missed that child-like optimism and sheer fun Discovery exuded. Alive 2007 was next up and really elevated their library into one whole as a live album masterpiece. Lastly, Tron: Legacy had it's soundtrack done by the duo and their use of orchestration brought an extra layer of emotion to their soulful music. Now we have Random Access Memories, an album that looks back at fond memories in order to create new ones.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Evil Dead Review

Introduction: The Evil Dead series is one of my personal favorite trilogies of all time. Not only does the protagonist have an arc from normal to lunatic to absolute bad-ass but so does the tone itself as it shifts from horror to comedy. That's amazing. When I heard they were remaking the original film I was both excited and apprehensive. Or is it a reboot? On Wikipedia it's listed as a reboot and f*ck you Wikipedia can be a reliable source. But it has so many similarities to the original. What the f*ck is this?

Friday, March 15, 2013

Witches Galore

The beginning of the year f*cking sucks. Seriously. Well at least when it comes to movies. The reason behind this is because all the big Oscar movies came out at the end of the year and since people love watching Oscar winners (to make themselves seem more educated) Hollywood doesn't want to take away from those money makers. Also cheap, bad movies still make a solid amount of money because audiences. Just audiences. For some reason though these first few months have had an obsession with witches. I am completely and utterly confused by this. Are witches disposable monsters or something? Hollywood is so sexist! Monsterist?

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Die Hard 5 Review

Die Hard is my favorite action movie. It's also my favorite Christmas movie. It's not necessarily deep or anything, but it's just done so expertly well. But what makes a Die Hard movie a Die Hard movie? You might have all the elements down in your little list you keep in your brain for whenever this discussion starts up, but in truth it's more complicated. For instance, no one has ever gone out of their way to write a Die Hard movie before. Every Die Hard originated as either a sequel to a franchise (Die Hard was originally Commando 2 and Die Hard with a Vengeance was originally Lethal Weapon 4) or just an adaption of some writing (Die Harder was based on a book and Live Free or Die Hard was based on an article), so the entire franchise has just been good scripts at the wrong place at the wrong time. A Good Day to Die Hard will be the first in the franchise to be written as a Die Hard movie, and the problems just continue from there.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Passing Thoughts of 2012

Introduction: Typically, at the end of the year I kinda just go through every movie I either didn't have the time to review, had no interest to review, didn't mention in my "best of" and "worst of" lists, or was too afraid to review for fear of being struck down by the Jewish God, Adonai. He's a bit biased when it comes to movies, but that's a story for another time that will never come up. Shall we?

Saturday, January 5, 2013

My Top 9 Favorite Films of 2012

Introduction: If you've read my worst of list then you realize that I loved this year in movies. I think it was infinitely better than last year and I'm so happy to have the privilege of reviewing it. I'd like to be able to talk about every movie this year that I thoroughly enjoyed but I wanted just nine since nine is my favorite number (plus 10 is cliched). Because of this, I found trouble picking the best of the best and found that in order to still have variety I would do something different. I will talk about the best movies of their respective genres ranking each top dog from least to greatest. Ready to read? Of course not, because reading is stupid...

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Top 9 Worst Movies of 2012

Introduction: To be completely honest, I didn't see that many bad movies this year. In fact, I loved this year in film. I think that this is mainly because of the films I was exposed to this year (ie I didn't see any f*cking Adam Sandler or Eddie Murphy sh*t). That doesn't mean I didn't see any Gawd awful movies this year. Horrible movies will always exist so long as good ones do. Anyways, this year I decided to go through the worst movies in their respective genres in order from least to most. That way I have some variety in my list. Shall we start?