Top 5 Favorite Movies of 2011

Introduction: Here at Spoiler Alert we tend to spoil things for our readers. I know, shocker. But it's why we don't tend to review good movies. Why would we want to spoil such a good movie? Plus good reviews are boring. They use words from the Reviewers Pop Words Encyclopedia like CINEMATIC, ENGAGING, WELL-ACTED, DEEP, EMOTIONAL, and so on and so forth. Who the f*ck wants to hear that sh*t? Let's start, shall we? Oh, and by the way, I haven't seen every great movie this year so please, forgive me.

Top 5 Worst Movies of 2011

Introduction: Wow, this year sure had some sh*tty movies. And I haven't even seen them all yet! And since it's the end of the year I, of course, must give my favorite movies this...as well as my most hated. Dun dun dunnnn. And while I already had my number 1 and number 2 easily picked the remaining 3 were a bit harder to pick. What makes this movie just sh*tty enough to be number 3? What about this movie saves it from being on this list? These are the difficult questions I must ask not only as a reviewer but for my reader as well... I mean readers! Their is more than one of them out there!

The Descendants Review

Introduction: People think a reviewers' duty is to tell you whether a movie is good or bad and while that is true it is also so much more. We also tell you if a movie is just a ploy to take your money or not. For instance, while Toy Story 3 is an enjoyable film it's just the second film all over again with some added pizzazz. I can say it's good, but also to just see the superior Toy Story 2 again instead. The same could be said of The Descendants in regards to Up in the Air; the story of the Clooney who doesn't get too drawn into his family is given the duty of giving people some really bad news. It's a good movie, but it has some obvious flaws. Let's start, shall we.

Jack and Jill Review

Introduction: I can't remember the last time I've seen a good Adam Sandler movie. Not counting Funny People or Reign Over Me. It seems he is just running the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... and over and over and over and over. Now when writing this review I wanted to do characters like I normally do, but there are no characters, so I decided to try and do scenes instead, but there is no plot, so then I just decided to go by the usual stuff we've seen in every Adam Sandler movie since they make up most if not all of this piece of sh*t movie... *sigh*

Revolving: Thriller

Introduction: After Off the Wall didn't win the Grammy for Album of the Year Michael fell into depression. He would walk around his neighborhood looking for someone to talk to only to end up back home sadder than before he left. He put so much hard work and effort into that album. It was his breakthrough. You could call such depression melodramatic since he made so much money and overall success with the album, but there is something about an artist who is left feeling unrecognized that truly resonates. Michael soon got a new manager and said he wanted to be the biggest thing in music since Elvis. He wanted to make an album full of hit singles He went back to the studio and recorded 30 songs with Quincy Jones. These are the first signs that there is something wrong with Thriller...

Twilight 4.0 Review

Introduction: I find that people who hate Twilight are Michael Bay fans and people who love Twilight are Nicolas Sparks fans. I am neither. Yet I found it surprising that when I saw the movie and put a status that I saw it on facebook I was suddenly treated with pity and disdain. Jesus H Bananas, people, it's not THAT bad. Yes, it's bad, but it's not Jack and Jill bad...

Revolving: Dark Side of the Moon

Introduction: I have often called Dark Side of the Moon the 2001: A Space Odyssey of music. It has amazing production value and I can not deny the appeal many have for it but it just flat out bores me. I can almost never listen to it from A to B without zoning out and then several hours later realizing it finished. This is due to the album feeling more like background music or a soundtrack. Don't believe me? Why surely you've heard of "Dark Side of the Rainbow"? It's where Dark Side of the Moon is used as the soundtrack for The Wizard of Oz. It actually fits amazingly well, but I consider it only a coincidence. Anyways, my point is that people don't usually remember the soundtrack for a movie unless it's a musical or just has someone like Daft Punk or John Williams composing... I hope you know what I mean...

Real Steel Review

Introduction: Real Steel is a weird movie. You walk into that theater knowing the movie is going to suck balls, but then you leave with a big stupid grin on your face. What the f*ck just happened? Let's find out.

Robots: The best way to describe this movie is Rock Em' Sock Em' Robots except without the licensing. And it's not just that each and every robot here is unique and has it's own personality, but it evokes that childhood fun of playing with robots. Hell, a kid is the contender. Anyways, robots are now the next form of boxing since people want more carnage in their fights (Yeah! Look at that engine fuel! Brutal!) and are controlled on the sidelines by a, well, controller.

Revolving: Sgt. Pepper

Introduction: The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper has been called the greatest album ever made...of all time...of any genre. I don't know about you but that has never scratched me the right way. One of the best albums ever made? Gawd yes. The best album ever made? I don't think so. And that's coming from a huuuuuuge Beatles fan. That's mainly because of my mother who even had some old Beatles' records. She would always hold Sgt. Pepper on some sort of higher ground with it's use of classical music and being a concept album. What? The Beach Boys integrated classical music with pop a year earlier and Frank Sinatra made a concept album about the moon a year earlier too. *sigh* Let's start this thing...

Revolving: Introduction

Anyone who know me knows that I love music. I love it to death. They also know that I rarely listen to modern music unless it's hip hop. Maybe because hip-hop is still relatively young and when I was young Eminem was the gateway for me into all things hip-hop with his lyrics that reminisced Rakim's and beats from the Doctor. I think that maybe I don't listen to a lot of modern music is because I'd rather try to absorb as much of what came beforehand to really grasp the influences. Though it could also be because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll see music's current face as something distorted and ugly with glitter and glam plastered over it's face to hide the truth...

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark Review

Introduction: I usually don't like reviewing horror or comedy because of how subjective they are, but I'll make an exception for this 1970's remake. I remember seeing footage of this at Comic Con and heard the film was receiving an R rating simply by being so scary. I was intrigued. So I saw this movie with my girlfriend expecting good scares. What a f*cking joke.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes Review

Introduction: Wow. Just wow. I actually really liked this movie. A lot. Who would have thought a reboot/ prequel/ remake could actually turn out to be the best movie this summer?

Franco: So here is a scientist who isn't evil and raises a monkey (1). His goal is to cure his father of Alzheimer's. That's like it. Seriously... *tries to think of character traits* He is James Franco? Oh, and his cure for Alzheimer's ends up making monkeys (2) super smart and kills humans. This is why we test folks. For science.

Harry Potter 7.5 Review

Introduction: Reviewing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 is a tad interesting because since it is the end of the series the only way to review it is as a climax. That means everything we've seen so far should culminate in this single film. I was happy to hear that the director was bringing back EVERYONE. But can someone please tell me why Albus' brother was randomly introduced at the end of the series? By the way, since this is the climax instead of going by character I am going by scene. Got it? Good, let's get started.

Toy Story 3 Review

Introduction: When I first saw Toy Story 3 I loved it. If you read my review on facebook you probably know that already. But I had this weird feeling that everything was just so similar. I couldn't shake this feeling. Then I saw it on Netflix recently. Wow, they f*cking got me. Pixar actually used the fact that everyone thinks they can't make a bad movie by making Toy Story 2 all over again and have people believe it's a f*cking classic. Don't get me wrong though, I still enjoy the movie, it just pisses me off that they would do this...

Super 8 Review

Introduction: I heard this movie was a love letter to ET. You know, that movie about a boy and an alien's extraordinary connection as the alien plays the Jesus persona. This movie is nothing like ET. At all.

Green Lantern Review

Introduction: I guess the only comic book movies Warner Bros can do are with Superman and Batman. You know what that means, right? Reboot, reboot, reboot. Oh right, and Green Lantern is sh*t.

Topper: So this film starts with Topper Harley from Hot Shots! calling himself Hal Jordan as he defeats a couple of AI jets but then is plagued by flashbacks. Here Lies Hal Jordan, Killed By a Flashback. Oh wait, he barely survives and then is given a green lantern ring because I don't know why. He doesn't have a lot of will or courage but seems to be afraid of flashbacks. Poor idiot. Then he trains in an animated film with his head copied and pasted into it for about 5 f*cking minutes and quits like a failure. Our hero is a quitter. Then after quitting he reveals his secret identity to his best friend and his ex and plays hot wheels. In the end, he shows that not only are humans better than technology but also every species in the universe. How conceited is this f*cking movie!?

Talking Cleavage: Not as retarded as Lois Lane, but that's the only thing I can really say. Let's call her Talking Cleavage.

Signal: So Hector Hammond is the villain. He has a connection to Topper and Talking Cleavage but it's never made clear. He gets infected with fear and can thus induce fear in others thus weakening Green Lantern in an epic battle. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I was thinking about something not retarded. Fear actually makes him super smart and courageous enough to take on Topper all by himself. Doesn't that make perfect sense? Oh, and I forgot to mention his whole purpose is to signal Parallax to come to Earth. I guess Parallax is like "Oh, that's where my shin is. Gotta go get it then, I guess."

Octopus Cloud: Remember when Parallax was introduced in the comics by destroying the entire Green Lantern Corps by possessing Hal Jordan as an insectoid embodiment of fear? Well forget that sh*t. He is now the Octopus Cloud and his head is even BIGGER than Signal's, yet he is a MILLION times more retarded. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF***************CCCCCCKKKK YYYYOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!

Sinestro: After hearing the story about how a Guardian tried to control fear and thus turned into Parallax and created this whole predicament Sinestro's first thought is "Then we should try that too!! Because now it will work for no other reason then to set up a sequel!!" For my feelings on this character please read the last two words in the above paragraph on Octopus Cloud.

Nick Fury Knock Off : Imagine if Nick Fury was involved in the B story in the first Iron Man movie and about halfway through the film he is killed by Iron Monger. That's this character. Minus the coolness. Plus estrogen.

Conclusion: Just imagine some green diarrhea that came from Warner Brother's ass. Now get the f*ck away from that sh*t. GET. THE F*CK. AWAY.

LA Noire Review

Introduction: Part point click adventure, part Rockstar, part LA Confidential. It delivers in some areas but it fails in others. Guess which one I'n going to talk in depth about?

 Driving and Shooting: Same as every other Rockstar game. Cars feel weird, reaction time to button pressing lags, and letting go of cover is still a pain in my ass. RUN DAMMIT!!! I PRESSED TEH BUTTON LIKE 3 SECONDS AGO!!!

Waiting For the Bell: Investigating is rather weird. It's actually harder in the beginning. See, when you become a detective clues are actually mapped out for you in the usual way they are in a crime scene with letters from A to however many clues there are. Essentially, the game is saying Hey!! Hey!! The answer is over here!! Which essentially destroys the looking for stuff aspect of investigating. And when things aren't mapped out the game has a system where you come upon something you can investigate it rings a bell that says the same thing those damn signs do. You have the option to turn them off but then you'd just walk around pressing the investigate button like a cut scene God of War or Naruto. As the game progresses more things become available to investigate that are useless and you can tell when your character, Cole Phelps, comments on them. At one point in the game I was investigating a house and came upon some matches, and then the game zoomed in and Cole stated we should go there. But then later in the game if you investigate houses and you also find matches he'll just say "This has nothing to do with our case" which makes me scream "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?!?!" Essentially, investigating is walking around an area waiting for the bell to ring to tell you what to pick up and you have to keep doing this till you find all the USEFUL stuff. Ugh.

Interviewing: Before I start riding this part of the game like my childhood dog I'd like to say that MotionScan is truly great. It's not perfect, but it is truly an advancement in facial capture. The way it is used in the game to hit home the fact of how good it is also shows the problem. The problem with interviewing could best be described like this;
Team Bondi: Alright, you're lying to the cops about murdering a woman so you need to look really suspicious. Just move your eyes and head a lot, that'll sure highlight our technology.
Actor: That's not realistic at all. A real killer probably would keep as much of a straight face as he could so he wouldn't get caught.
Team Bondi: STFU, we pay you.
Whenever interviewing someone you have a notebook with questions and if you get a question right you get a check mark and if you get it wrong you an x, so that way it doesn't matter if you got it right or wrong since you can simply figure out that since you got it wrong when a person would say something like "I didn't know him" you would know he actually did. It destroys the mystery of what they are saying is actually a lie or a truth. Another problem is that Cole Phelps actions for if you pick truth, doubt, or lies is really odd and can ruin everything for you. If you say truth you act all sarcastic like "Oh, okay. You didn't kill him. I totally believe you. He just ran into the bullets. Yupp, that's it. Case closed." If you say doubt he acts angry like "YOU MOTHERF*CKER!!! STOP FEEDING ME BULLSH*T AND TELL ME THE F*CKING TRUTH!!!" And if you say lie he acts very calm like "You're lying. Here is the proof. Tell the truth, please? Thank you?" WTF, COLE!?!?

Money: Whenever you beat a case two things happen; you get case notes and you get fines for damages. Case notes are brilliant and can help a player be better. The fines are bullsh*t and I'll tell you why; they aren't deducted from anything. See what the game should have done is have a money system. Start the game with a good amount of money for essentials and then with each case give the player a certain amount of reward for how they do on the case. Maybe they could also use the money to bribe bartenders or anyone over the counter. Then when you fine the player for such things as running over pedestrians and destroying sh*t the player will learn to be more in character as a detective and not run over people so that he/she can keep more money. Maybe they could use the money for clothes, hats, and cars. I don't know, or they could get rid of the stupid fines at the end of a case. Maybe that would be easier.

Cole Phelps: Cole is a guy who believes in fairness and justice. When in Japan during World War 2 he showed compassion and respect for the Japanese. Sadly, something utterly stupid happened and he came back home and became a patrolman for the LAPD. He got promoted to detective and slowly made his way up the police department ladder.  Now besides all that exposition he can come off as a big ass hole. A lot. It especially comes off during interviews. Gawd dammit, Phelps. At one point in the story he randomly, for no reason whatsoever, cheats on his wife with a German singer and all you think about is how utterly stupid it is. He only does it to serve the story. What bullsh*t.

Patrolman: When you first start as a patrolman the gave doesn't hold your hand when it comes to waiting for the bell. Everything is rather simple and liars stick out like soar thumbs. I wish we could get some more info like why the f*ck he did this in the first place?

Burglary: Their was supposed to be a burglary desk but for some reason Team Bondi cut it out even though it would have been BETTER for the game since an overall story could have connected with it better. But nope. Instead we get...

Traffic: Just think of any possible case regarding a car. Hit and run, car crash, a car pushed off a cliff, etc. It's mainly about Hollywood and it's probably my favorite part of the game. It's the most intriguing and your partner is actually a good guy.

Homicide: Basically, a bunch of murders where the killer is the Black Dahlia killer except even though your character suspects it's him the whole time you still have no choice but to arrest innocent guys. WTF?! This desk has the best connected cases story, but once again it doesn't tie in with the overall plot of the game.

Vice/Arson: Vice is drugs and Arson is fire. Get it? Alrighty, after finding out about an overall plot about stolen morphine regarding your old squad from World War 2 you get caught with the retarded story regarding the German singer and get demoted to Arson for a little bit before being fired. While in Arson you find a bigger story connecting with the drugs. The story is this; your old squad stole some morphine and drugs and sold some of it to gangs and used the money to fund the building of flimsy homes for GI's (unknowingly) which were then set aflame by a crazy guy for insurance money even though they later state it isn't about the insurance money which doesn't make sense at all and that the houses are actually about being bought back from the government to build a freeway (which kinda ties into Traffic but no one mentioned it so no, who gives a f*ck) but thankfully an u=insurance salesman who also happens to be from Cole's old squad finds the truth about all this and Cole, the guy we don't like, dies. The end.

Cut Scenes: The only reason I bring up cut scenes is because of moments in the game where you can talk to people without going into a cut scene by pressing the talk button. If they just had that instead of cutting to a cut scene the immersion would have been better. I guess they just wanted to show off more of that technology. Ugh. 

The Open World: The open world of 1940's Los Angeles is amazing. It's not a sandbox though so don't complain about the game being linear in regards to the world. This world was perfect. The gameplay is f*cked.

Conclusion: The game pushes some nifty technology and the last 2 desks have the best effort at creating an overall story which is really contorted, but the game lacks an overall story for the beginning and I wish investigating and interrogation could have been used better and more realistically. A big plus is the recreation of 1940's Los Angeles as an open world which is highly immersive. In the end, it has flaws but it's worth a try.

Pirates 4 Review

Introduction: Seriously? Another f*cking pirates movie? The two leads from the previous films didn't even want to participate in it and if that's not a sign that this is sh*t then it has to be that foul manure stench that I smelled from sitting in the theater.

The Donut of Youth: It's a donut.  With water dripping in the middle. It is easily destroyed within 5 minutes of it's introduction. Wow, shouldn't it be like an eternal object? That lasts through all of time? Nope, apparently not. Oh and get this, it doesn't grant you eternal life. It's actually an extension on your lease.

The Hoops: In order to use the donut of youth you have to jump through some hoops. First, find two cups belonging to a conquistador. Yupp, two cups that have been recently made and can only last for a while. So I guess the fountain of youth is only accessible for a limited time frame because otherwise I couldn't give a sh*t. And guess where the cups are? In a ship jammed into a cliff face *facepalm* Who the f*ck writes this sh*t? Second, fill the cups with water from the fountain then put a mermaid tear in one cup. Oh, and remember the tear has to be fresh even though in the film by the time they us it it sure as sh*t ain't fresh anymore. Anyways, the person who drinks from the cup with the tear gets the years from the person who drinks from the cup without the tear. So wait, what if you're like 90 and take 90 years back? Do you become a fetus or do you just keep looking old for another 90 years. Ugh, that can't be pretty.

Mermaids and Saints: So, ahem, in this film, mermaids are vampires and have the web shooting abilities of Spiderman. You have no idea how hard I am trying to say this this straight right now. They are also easily baited by man made lights and men singing. So when the pirates need to capture a mermaid for her tear instead of just, idk, set a little boat on fire to lure them they instead come upon a search light using fire and oil... Gawd, who green lit this sh*t? Their is a romance in the film between a mermaid and a saint that serves only the story and nothing else. They are more 2 dimensional then my shadow and I wish they were never written. I'd rather not waste anymore time on this B story... The B stands for BULLSH*T!!!

Gibbs: So when he is introduced he is mistaken fro, hahahahaha, Captain Jack Sparrow. He then steals Jack's special map which totally goes against his character and teams up with Barbossa to go find the donut of youth as well. Oh, and there is a scene in the film where he does something out of character yet again and instead of doing the usual exposition about what the f*ck is happening he now is that insignificant character asking the questions. Hey! Gibbs! You took this role for the money, didn't you?!

Barbossa:  Who the f*ck is this? Are you sh*tting me? No, you can't be serious. Holy sh*t, you are serious. They actually created a completely different character and had the f*cking audacity to call him Barbossa and recast Geoffrey Rush. This f*cking bullsh*t. Let me tell you a little about the privateer known as Barbossa: he cut off his own foot when his boat was attacked by Blackbeard for the stupidest reason I have ever f*cking heard and he has a hobby regarding poisonous frogs. So he wants revenge on Blackbeard so he becomes a privateer under the rule of King George. Wait what? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!?! WTF?!?! Thankfully, he magically knows Blackbeard is looking for the donut of youth and that Jack was looking for it and guess who Barbossa runs into?  -_- In the end he gets his ship back and I sh*t you not he looks exactly like Will Truner as he sails off.

Blackbeard:  He is evil. That's his character, I guess. He also has a magic sword that can control ships and could have been used several times when trying to capture a mermaid but since no one else here can think why should he? He is prophesied to be killed by a one legged man (see: Barbossa) which we shall discuss later and thus seeks the donut of youth to keep him alive. Except he has voodoo powers which can: control ships, create voodoo dolls, zombify his crew, and COME BACK TO LIFE!!!

Quartermaster: He is the guy who had the prophecy about Blackbeard being killed. He is also an idiot. See, Blackbeard created a voodoo doll as a bargaining chip against Jack to force him to take him to the donut of youth. The quartermaster throws it into a river and instead of Jack drowning for real he is a-okay. So why did he throw it away allowing Jack to just escape? To prove that Jack will be okay if he jumps in the river. Except the doll falling in water would be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then say A F*CKING PERSON. Also, his ability to see into the future could have been used countless times in the film and the only prophecy he does make is wrong!! Barbossa doesn't kill Blackbeard, Jack does. And you'd think he'd mention that Blackbeard would be killed at the donut of youth. But no. This character just pisses me off.

 Angelica: She is the daughter of Blackbeard and a past love interest of Jack's. When she is introduced in this film she acts and dresses like Jack and he finds out it's her from how she uses a sword. Except how would he know that? He met her at a covenant and she training to be a nun. What kind of f*cking nun learns to sword fight?! Anyways, the whole film is about her trying to save her father's soul except she only stops him from doing something bad once but had no problem all the other f*cking times. Wtf?! Also, in the end she goes through the hoops with her father and everything was okay. WHAT?! They were both poisoned and were dying! The only thing the donut of youth could have done is give her an extra few minutes to live! She is just here for cleavage shots. Seriously.

Jack Sparrow: Nope, just nope. You don't make a film about revenge, redemption, religion, etc and have it's lead, the guy we are supposed to sympathize with, be an idiotic asshole who is here for laughs. The act is getting old and for the whole film I just had the aching feeling like everything was off and wrong. First thing Jack does is sentence his best friend to life in jail and then the last thing he does is maroon the love of life on an island to die. Wtf, Jack?! Instead of feeling mysterious with an overall genius plan he bumbles his way through situations without thought and simply has no end goal at all. What was his goal?! What was the point in all of this?!

Conclusion: It's the fourth f*cking movie in a Hollywood film series. Did you honestly think it would be good? I knew something was wrong the moment the film started. Just with the opening scene. And I watched all the scenes that followed: Jack's father appearing out of nowhere for exposition and disappearing as if by magic, Blackbeard's beard being on fire so he looks more evil, Russian roulette with Angelica, and the retarded bottled ships idea. Even the action is overly choreographed! How could you f*ck this up AGAIN?! At least Will and Elizabeth knew not to get involved...

Thor Review

Introduction: It's a film based on a comic book based on a viking religion trying to integrate itself into a universe with mechanical battle suits, a giant green man, and a WWII hero... and it pulls it off well, damn well.

Dreamland: Get it? Because Jack Kirby helped write it...Well I thought it was funny! Anyways, the design of Asgard feels like it belongs in the 80s. It's like He-Man and Hercules all over again! Asgard is so big it looks fake and costumes just make you want to giggle because the film actually wants you to take it seriously. Otherwise, it's an interestingly fleshed out world...I mean land...Dreamland.

Ice Box: It's a McGuffin. It's freezes stuff. And it's a box. It's held up in the Dreamland Armory even though it is shown to contain lightning a certain villain didn't think about using it... anyways, it originally belonged to a certain group of people....

Smurfs: The frost giants are a race of giants composed of stone and can produce ice on their person like knives and such and live in one of the 9 realms ruled under Dreamland. They aren't really evil or anything so couldn't it be said that Thor is racist and indulged in a hate crime? Oh well, let's call them the Smurfs of the Snow Level.

Papa Smurf: Except he doesn't wear red and thus you cannot distinguish him from any of the other Smurfs unless they close up on his face when he talks menacingly. After Thor starts a war with his people he casually talks to Loki even though he wants to kill Asgardians and then is lead into the heart of Asgard to kill Odin instead of sending a lacky which would have been easier. So why is this guy evil again? Didn't he just want more freedom from Asgard and tried to rebel only to get his ass handed to him and then having his people's most sacred object stolen even though Asgard has a room full of weapons that are probably more powerful...Sounds like Avatar...LEAVE THE BLUE PEOPLE ALONE!!!

Rainbow Bridge: Must. Refrain. From gay joke. Just imagine a multicolored wormhole connecting 2 worlds together like Dreamland and the Snow Level. It's how travel works in this film. Except for some reason when Mjolnir goes through the Rainbow Bridge it comes out somewhere different. Also, if you keep the rainbow bridge open it will turn into a death ray...WHAT?!?

Black Wizard: Heimdall is a gatekeeper. Of the Rainbow Bridge. And he is now black instead of white. I've heard some people complain about this and I have a perfectly legit reason why he was turned black. It's because he is God. He is hinted as being as powerful if not more so than Odin, can see and hear anything anywhere, and not even freezing him works. He is the same character we have seen in Bruce Almighty, Shawshank Redemption, and The Shining. I call this character the Black Wizard. Trust me, you see them more than you realize...*cou-all of Morgan Freeman's films-gh*

Odin: He is the god of gods, all powerful, defeated an entire race, is wise and smart, has been shown to magically teleport since the writers couldn't think of anything else, and gets brought down to a coma by Loki yelling at him. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!?!? I don't care how old you are; IMMORTAL IS IMMORTAL.

Loki: When we first see Loki he has slick black hair which can only mean one thing: He is the villain. For most of the film Loki is totally in the right. He respects his father, doesn't want Thor, the jocky, to be king, and is quite clever and nice. After finding out he is part Smurf (possibly Papa Smurf's son) he yells Odin into a coma and resents him only for Odin's wife to give her thirty seconds of dialogue which cause Loki to love his father again and resent the Smurfs...What? So now he is king and instead of doing something retarded like bring Thor back since their was a good reason for him to banished he goes to see Thor and tells him he is not allowed back home because of a truce with the Smurfs and that Odin is dead. Why does he say this? Couldn't he just say the truth and that even though he is the king he would be unwise to allow Thor admittance back home for his arrogance? Though that leaves the chance for Thor to change and come back home so I don't know. He then tries to pick up Mjolnir only to find that he can't pick it up so he sends Furnace Man to kill Thor so he will never be able to get back home again. Wait, couldn't he just tell the Black Wizard to not let Thor through? Or how about put another spell on Mjolnir since he is now king that will make it so no one can carry it? Later on, he tricks Papa Smurf into trying to kill Odin to only kill Papa Smurf instead. I still can't get by the fact that Odin's wife speech about Odin not wanting Loki to feel different as something that could not only let him love him again but also hate the Smurfs so much more. And in the end he turns the rainbow bridge into a death ray turn murder every Smurf ever because he wants to make Odin proud which doesn't make any sense since Odin detested the idea of bloodshed of any race and Loki agreed with him on this.Oh and did I forget to mention he knows a magically way around the Rainbow Bridge to get to other worlds. Do they find this secret path? Nope *shrug* I guess that wasn't important.

Furnace Man: To make sure Thor doesn't pick up Mjolnir Loki sends Furnace Man to go kill him and would you believe it Furnace Man can not only completely obliterate people but he can also blow up automobiles. But instead of complete vaporization Furnace Man pimp slaps Thor. Why? Because now he is still tangible to hold Mjolnir. DUH!!! Furnace Man is just here to be a guard and give Thor a threat in order to get Mjolnir back. Woo.

Sif: The goddess of war and probably Thor's best friend. Yeah, she is in this movie. Yeah, can't really say anything else beyond that. Go Sif?

The Mighty Three: Just imagine a scotsman, Robin Hood, and a samurai and you have these three. I guess they are here to show Thor's connection to Asgard? I can't really say much other than the scotsman sure loves to eat.

Thor: Finally, we're at the main character. When I first saw the footage for this movie I was worried. It reminded me of The Lion King. Here we have this asshole of a character and you expect me to root for him? Are you f*cking kidding me? Thankfully, Odin isn't Mufasa and sees that his son is a brat and banishes him to teach him a lesson. And now we can start liking Thor since he was already punished for his arrogance and now we can start believing that he will change versus still wanting him to get punished. He is actually portrayed quite well as a warrior. He kicks ass, acts strangely and rudely,and whatever. It's weird though when he behaves with caring for the first time since before all he wanted to do was genocide a whole race but maybe he is learning something from being so powerless? Who knows. Anyways, he isn't willing to tell anyone the truth about himself even though when he shows up he won't shut up about who he is. His transition from asshole to noble hero feels weird. At first, he beats the sh*t out of hospital people, then he politely eats a meal, then he acts charming, then he beats the sh*t of SHIELD, then he becomes depressed, then acts charming again, WTF?!? After beating up SHIELD Loki tells him Odin is dead because of him so Thor decides  to uust dwell amongst the humans. But when he finds out Loki lied to him about his father instead of being super angry as he would he sacrifices himself to save Jane and apologizes to Loki for something neither he nor I know about. Did he really change that much within that time frame? Feels quick in context to the fact that Thor is presented as a stubborn character. It doesn't fail, but it's pushing it. Oh, and for the love of GOD get rid of the cape. I'm sorry, but wouldn't he look cooler without it?

Ego, Id, and Superego: This is actually quite brilliant. The ego, id, and superego and psychoanalytical terms. The ego being your consciousness or just you. Your id is your primitive instincts like sex. Your superego is your conscious that tells you what is right and wrong. Jane is the ego, Darcy is the id, and Erik is the superego. Sadly, this makes it feel like each of these characters aren't completely realized. In fact, the easiest thing to do would have been to take all these characters and combine them into one character: Jane. Othwise, they are feel incomplete. Except for maybe Erik.

SHIELD: One of the things I did not like about Iron Man 2 was the B story of SHIELD because it felt more like an Avengers trailer than anything else. In Thor though, they feel much more like a government organization that knows more than they are sharing and actually are implemented well into the story. Just blended in perfectly. If only Iron Man 2 did it like this. Ugh.

Hawkeye: HAWKEYE IS IN THE MOVIE!!! AND HE IS PLAYED BY JEREMY RENNER!!! OMG!!! By the way, does any one else find it weird that they decided to implement the hero of he Avengers whose only ability is to use a bow and arrow really well in a film about another hero who is basically a god. Yeah...that's going to be hard to pull off in the Avengers film...

Conclusion: It's an 80's movie for the new generation. I couldn't ask for a better iteration of Jack Kirby's Thor no matter how silly it looks. It's nowhere near perfect but it's fun. And you know what? This is exactly how The Lion King should have been. Loki should have turned into Scar, Odin into Mufasa, Smurfs into Hyenas, and so on and so forth. Thor: The Better Simba

Sucker Punch Review

 Introduction: For those of you who are just joining us I must apologize for the length of the review. Their is just so much wrong in this movie. I've been told by several friends that I'm being too harsh and that the movie is entertaining and that I should just enjoy it for what it is. Well pardon my French, but f*ck you. Any idiot can fire fireworks into the air blindly, but an enthusiast who finds pride in his art will create order and meaning to the fireworks. Just look at Scott Pilgrim. That had exposition, this does not.

Sucker Punch: A sucker punch is a boxing term where the boxer distracts his opponent with one hand and strikes with the other. Baby Doll is the distraction, Sweet Pea is the punch. Get it? Got it? Good.

Dr. Gorski/Madam Gorski:  Besides having a horrid Polish accent she is here to give the girls an escape. In the real world asylum, she puts on some music and has the girls go on stage and begin acting in a reality that they control. In the sub-reality brothel, she puts on some music and has the girls begin doing some erotic dancing. Weird thing is, in the brothel she gets mad at Sweet Pea for being in her own world when she dances, but then later tells Blue that she is teaching the girls to have their own fantasies and survive him. Obviously not, Gorski, or were you just making Sweet Pea feel bad for nothing? And at the end of the movie she acts as if Rocket, Blondie, and Amber never existed, but wait, they were shown in the beginning in the asylum. So did she forget about them!? WTF?!?!?

Lobotomist/High Roller: He is the ticking time bomb. The girls have 5 days to escape before he arrives. In reality, he is a lobotomist who lobotomizes Baby Doll, and in the brothel he is a high roller who is going to take away her virginity. And this line is how he is introduced into the story: "We don't have a lobotomist on pay here, but lucky for you he is coming in 5 days." Okay, okay, that might not be the EXACT quote, but my point here is why? We only see him lobotomize Baby Doll, so why was he going there in the first place? To look around?

Blue: In the asylum, he is an orderly who takes bribes and fakes signatures. That just screams evil. In the brothel, he is a mobster in charge of the brothel and he has the cheesiest mustache I've seen. So wait, what if the head attendee showed up? Would he be like a super ultra mega mobster? Oh well, this guy is our villain and when he describes himself he says he (HAHAHAHAHA) feels like a little boy who let's everyone else play with his toys. And he says this after killing Blondie and Amber in front of everyone. Hey!! Idiot!! You just broke 2 of your toys!! For the remainder of the review I shall refer to him as Blueberry.

The Brothel: The brothel is a sub-reality for SWEET PEA. Yupp, in order to escape the harsh reality of cooking, cleaning, and having little plays she created a world where she literally gets f*cked. Brilliant. There is one thing about the brothel that keeps bothering me though: When Baby Doll is dancing to Gorski's music is she giving a performance in the asylum? Wtf? I've heard people say these "dances" are lap dances in the real world based off a henchmen saying "I don't want to do this to these girls anymore" but that doesn't make sense because the film pointed out that the dancing with the music correlates with what Gorski does in the real world. Plus do what to these girls?! How do you know they aren't just beating them up? Blueberry shows more beating that raping SO WTF???

Fantasy Realm: So when Baby Doll dances she enters  a fantasy realm within Sweet Pea's brothel reality. Wait what? Does that mean Baby Doll is in Sweet Pea's reality or is she just an imaginative version of her? If she is actually in Sweet Pea's reality then how did she get there? The same problem is how the hell did Sweet Pea get into Baby Doll's reality? GAH!!! Anyways, Baby Doll does her dance and enters her fantasy reality. She meets the Wise Man and then starts fighting. She, as well as the other girls, magically become Marine level sharpshooters as well as sword fighting masters. Oh, and they are basically invincible too. Would you look at all that tension just fly away... GAWD. F*CKING. DAMMIT. And then what happens when Baby Doll finishes dancing? Everyone applauds as if Jesus just lectured them. You know what that makes me want to see? BABY DOLL'S EROTIC DANCE!!! F*CK YOU!!!

Wise Man: When Baby Doll first meets the Wise Man he asks her what she wants and she responds freedom. He then tells her to get 5 items to reach her freedom. How did he know this? F*ck if I know! The fifth item is for her to be caught and to see the High Roller/Lobotomist... Hey!! Idiot!! If all she needed to do was see the High Roller why didn't you just say "The High Roller will give you freedom!!" So before every fantasy mission he is there to tell the girls what to do and say some meaningless line which the writer put in to justify calling him the Wise Man. When the girls are about to kill a dragon he says "Don't write a check with your mouth that you can't cash with your ass." WHAT...THE...F*CK...DOES THAT...HAVE TO DO...WITH KILLING A DRAGON?!?!? F*CK YOU!!!

Amber: So, I sh*t you not, Amber is here to get two items and pilot stuff. ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE DONE THIS. And at the end Dr. Gorski acts as if she never died, but as I stated before they showed her in the beginning so WTF??

Blondie: I can't remember the last time I saw such a pointless character. The only thing she does in this whole movie is tell Blueberry that her group of girls is planning to escape by stealing a few objects. But this was completely pointless because at this point Rocket is killed by the chef so even if she didn't tell Blueberry the plan the chef would have just told him that the girls were trying to steal a knife, and since Blueberry knew the girls were up to something it would all yield the same result. So WHAT WAS THE POINT!?!? And even more idiotic is the fact that when Blueberry was suspicious that Sweet Pea copied the map to the brothel he then attacks Blondie for no reason. Why?! What could he have possibly suspected her for?! Nothing. She just needed something to do in this movie. POINTLESS CHARACTER.

Sweet Pea/Rocket: I wanted to have both of these characters as one piece because they are so closely bound together in this story. They are both the first protagonists who speak in the film. Sweet Pea introduces herself as mean, rude, and arrogant. What a *beep*. So for the rest of the review let's just call her Sour Pee hehe. So Sour Pee just leaves Baby Doll with her little sister Rocket. Rocket shows her around and then we see a save the cat scene (used to show a cool character as being likable) where Baby Doll saves Rocket from the chef. I hate this scene. Firstly, because the chef never tells anyone that Baby Doll tried to kill him and that Rocket was stealing. Plus we learn at the end of the movie that the film was actually about Sour Pee (thus it's her reality) so this scene would have worked great for her! She is mean but that's usually seen as cool so if she were here then we would have genuinely liked her. I've heard some people say that Rocket isn't real just like Amber and Blondie except that Rocket has more meaning and that she is in fact the rebellious half of Sour Pee. So I guess the writer didn't want her to save herself? But then why would she save herself in the fantasy world? Plus, they talk about the scene but if they are one and the same then wouldn't she already know all that? I don't know. Anyways, they get the items, Rocket is killed, Sour Pee escapes thanks to Baby Doll, and it's revealed the story is about her. My big problem with this is that we never see Sour Pee at the actual asylum. We only see her in he brothel. If Rocket was indeed fake than Sour Pee was the one who ran away from home except girls don't run away from home and join an asylum. Sour Pee was most likely a dangerous, insane girl who escapes. Great, just f*cking great. People may say that Sour Pee was normal because of the ending with the Wise Man but since the Wise Man is there we can deduce that this is all a vision of Baby Doll's after her lobotomy. Go crazy people.

Baby Doll: So, we're finally here. Almost the end. You exhausted? I sure as sh*t am. Ok, the movie starts with a music video explaining how Baby Doll got admitted into the asylum which doesn't make any sense. All we see is Baby Doll accidentally kill her sister and that her step dad is evil and as slow as molasses. She gets to the asylum and we start our adventure. She almost never talks and the first line from her mouth is "Get off of her you pig." Wow, that's how you want to start this? Ok then? She is  very shy but soon tells the girls the plan for getting out and they agree. Everything is fine until Rocket dies and then Blueberry kills Amber and Blondie and then tries to rape Baby Doll. She stabs Blueberry with the kitchen knife (this happened in reality too), breaks Sour Pee out of a holding cell, starts a fire, and then creates a distraction so that Sour Pee can escape and then Baby Doll, the shy, innocent girl, gets lobotomized. So, ummm, what was the point of all that? First, she never used the map. So why steal it? Second, I get that the movie is trying to tell us that freedom is in our minds but what reality is she in? Is she still in Sour Pee's reality? If so then being raped and having sex with clients in a brothel doesn't sound like freedom to me. So seriously, what was the point of any of this?

Conclusion: I won't disagree when people say that the movie's visual appeal is grand. And I have no problem with slow motion. But the lack of exposition just ruins it for me. I actually left the theater feeling insulted. The fact that Zach Snyder was green lit to make this movie because of it's similarities to Inception and that the studio knew Zach Snyder's name on it would make them money regardless of how bad it is is a sign that this movie is just pure bullsh*t.

Spiderman 3 Review

So for this review I'll just be going by character and their overall involvement in the film and what worked and what for f*ck's sake DID NOT WORK.

Peter Parker/Spiderman: Peter Parker starts off in this movie feeling like that one guy who died on the Titanic. He can now magically see MJ's plays as well as have the entire city love him. Even though they loved him before it is now to the point of a f*cking mascot. One of the first things he does as a hero is stop a construction crane from going crazy. Oh wait!! Did I say that?! I meant he saves some blonde named Gwen Stacy and leaves the out of control crane to destroy more sh*t and possibly kill more people. Nice going there, Tiger. He is then brought to the police station and is told that his Uncle's killer was someone else and just broke out of jail. Instead of thinking "Oh God, I killed an innocent man. The thing that pushed me to do good was a lie." NO, he thinks "WTF?! I killed the wrong f*cking guy?! Jesus H. Christ!! Now I have to go kill this guy too!!" Yeah, Peter Parker is totally in f*cking character. Then the black symbiote comes along and blah blah blah I'll talk about that sh*t later. Peter removes the symbiote and gets rid of it in a safe location so no one has to feel like that again. Oh wait, I mean he just sits there and does nothing as it takes over another idiot within screaming distance. So he saves MJ and forgives his Uncle's real murderer, who is Sandman btw *sigh*, and everything ends. Peter learned to forgive someone after he already believed to have killed him in the first place. What if he wasn't made of sand? Peter would have flat out mutilated him! This is our hero, folks.

Mary Jane Watson: So our movie starts with Mary Jane in a musical and HOLY F*CK SHE SOUNDS AMAZING. But even though she was f*cking amazing in her last play for some reason she fails here. After seeing Peter do the completely out of character act of kissing Gwen Stacy she gets angry at him. Hey! Idiot Peter! If you wanted to marry her why did you kiss Gwen!? F*cking moron! So they argue and MJ falls in love with Harry Osborn, aka that one guy who left her for dead in the first movie, and leaves. Suddenly, Harry burst into her apartment as the New Goblin and tells her to break up with Peter or he'll kill him... What? You tried that earlier and Peter kicked your ass. Whatever. She breaks up with him and next time we see her Peter is dancing around like a pro. Then she gets kidnapped. Peter saves her. The end. What did she learn? Peter is a f*cking asshole when not in a symbiote suit but learned he was better when he was playing the correct character.

Harry Osborn/New Goblin: Hahahahahahahahahaha so get this. Harry fights Peter and I sh*t you not he hits his head and gets amnesia. But it's not a normal amnesia. It's an amnesia that serves the plot only. Nothing else. So he remembers his dad dying but not his hate for Spiderman. *sneeze* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullsh*t!! He magically regains his memories and starts f*cking with Peter by ruining his relationship (read MJ above) even though it was already crumbling. Peter comes to fight him and after trying to kill Peter numerous times he gets his face half blown off by his own grenade to which his butler does the stupidest thing I have ever seen. He tells Harry that his father was killed by his own blade... WHY... IN F*CK'S SAKE... DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT BEFORE!!!??? He realizes his mistakes and goes to help Peter only to die. The end. Wow. Just wow. Maybe you should have only used this character instead of Sandman!! If I wrote this script I would have gotten rid of Sandman entirely and have the movie introduce Harry by having him kill Aunt May and cause Peter to want revenge and put on the black suit. See? Instead of creating some pointless character to have Peter be pissed at Harry is now the aim of Peter's rage and we can see Peter trying to overcome this rage and grief. But hey, why do that when you can have AMNESIA!!! Oh and if you're wondering why I said Aunt May should die instead of MJ it's because if MJ died then you know the studio would make a GOD DAMN CLONE SAGA TRILOGY. And I think we have seen what clone's do to movies (see: Star Wars 2)

Sandman: So Sandman breaks out of jail and falls into some experiment machine thingy. Some scientist see a mass difference of about the equivalent of a human and they assume it's a bird... *facepalm* He gets turned into sand and I have to admit this sequence looks amazing. He goes to see his dying daughter and reveals he is robbing sh*t to pay for her medical bill. Ok? So does this go anywhere? Nope! So f*ck it! Around the end he suddenly wants to kill Spiderman even though in the beginning they said he only wants the money so WHY HAVE THIS STORY??? In the end he fly's away. Who gives a sh*t? He was just there to make Black Spiderman angry. That's it.

Gwen Stacy: She is here to create a bigger rift between Peter and MJ. Wow is she pointless. It literally could have been anyone and it would not have mattered. She has no character. The end.

Eddie Brock/Venom: So Eddie wants Peter's job. He doesn't get Peter's job. He wishes Peter died instead of maybe, idk, not having the job anymore. Turns into Venom. Dies in a blast that contradicts the rules that the film set in place earlier. He dies from the same type bomb that only destroyed half of Harry's face. And remember, it's him and the symbiote. I like how the writer was trying to show how Peter was battling his manifested inner demons but when Peter was taken over by the symbiote he didn't act in anyway like this. He might as well be fighting anyone. So Venom dies in like 10 minutes of being introduced. Wow, that impact cut me deep.... NOT.

Black Suit Spiderman: I love this character. He is outgoing, funny, charming, friendly, doesn't care what people think about him, doesn't hesitate, knows what he wants, and he is by far the best character in this film. Except he is supposed to be the exact opposite. He is supposed to be the dick, the asshole, the selfish little brat who we hate. Instead he dances and smiles like he doesn't have a care in the world. Gawd, I love him. Seriously, the only bad thing he did in this movie was hit Mary Jane ACCIDENTALLY. He hurts Harry after almost being murdered by him several times, he attacks a known murderer and thief, gives away Eddie as a fake and a liar, and he finally makes friends with that girl next door. Oh and he magically gained the ability to dance like a pro and play the piano like a pro. What can't Black Suit Spiderman do? Seriously, wouldn't it have been easier if say Black Suit Spiderman acted like a dick from the beginning by having him breaking up with MJ instead of the other way around and fool around with women (like the neighbor) and not care for anyone's safety. Like what if Eddie's picture of Black Suit Spiderman was real and he did rob the bank and Peter was struggling with his primal urges and doing the right thing. Wait, didn't he do something similar in the last movie? I don't know how to make this work perfectly but the writers should have put more though into it.

So these are my thoughts on Spiderman 3. I can see what they were trying to do and what they were going for but their is just too much going on and not enough focus. Seriously, they could have cut out Sandman and Gwen Stacy and just rewrite a lot of the story. But no, they got lazy and gave us this sh*t. At least they're not making another one... Oh... F*CK!!!

Multiplayer

People always talk about multiplayer in varying ways. Some people talk about how it's basically the only reason they buy a game (mostly for replayability) while others talk about how it is an utter waste of money. Now whenever I think about a multiplayer game I immediately think of  Super Smash Bros. It's a gaming series that primarily focuses on multiplayer and even though the last installment's single player was trying to give us a good single player story it fumbled that idea more than a five year old would the concept of quantum physics... Anyways, I start looking at what exactly makes it so amazing by comparing it to other multiplayers like World of Warcraft, Killzone 3, Uncharted 2, Call of Duty, Halo, and basically every fighting game conceived.

I think I've come to some conclusion as to what I'd want in a next gen multiplayer game on the PS3 or Xbox 360. For those of you who have played Metal Gear Online you first have to customize your character with appearance and abilities. The usual. But every now and then something happens that makes the game a thousand times more engaging. You can play as Solid Snake, Liquid Ocelot, Raiden, Vamp, etc. And each one has their own unique ability. And I don't mean like some unique ability any player can have but truly one of a kind abilities. Solid Snake can use octocamo, Liquid Ocelot can stun enemies with the guns of the patriots, Raiden has a sword and can do acrobatics, and Vamp can throw knives as well as resurrect himself after "dying." Without these special characters MGO would have been a poor man's Call of Duty or Halo. Shouldn't this mean that allowing players the ability to play as some of the characters they love is more enticing than creating some random Joe who anyone else can make. Sure, it immerses the player more in the game but gaming is all about escapism and creating someone yourself with no special qualities just makes me feel more like an idiot when I keep dying in multiplayer. Just some average Joe. Of course this idea wouldn't work in some MMORPG like World of Warcraft because there are just too many people so that system works more under classes (as does Killzone 3) which works wonders if you can learn to balance it right.

Now let's look at a shooter/platformer that allows you to play as characters directly from the single player experience except none of them have any special abilities. They are all exactly the same. I'm talking about Uncharted 2. You level up the more you play blah blah blah they could have been random people. Couldn't the game have been better if say Drake could unlock ancient traps in certain areas of the map, or if Chloe should make herself look like the enemy by her gamertag, or if Flynn could blow himself up just before dying, or if Elena could summon her camera as a kinda sacrifice, or if Sully was some kind of revolver totting long range fighter who had to stop and rest every few minutes from old age? Seriously, doesn't that sound like a better game? Oh and allow the player some customization because customization does add to immersion so have color swaps or costume change. I'm looking at you, Donut Drake. Minimize customization so that on a map with 16 people you can still tell who is who, but still allowing the player to feel like he/she is some bad ass.

No one wants to feel like like themselves when they play the game unless they are winning, but what about those who just can't get any better? It's unfair. Everyone should enter the game feeling like a total bad ass with something special to show for it and the characters should feel balanced (ie their has to be a way to counter a character's special). Fighting games like Super Smash Bros and Marvel vs. Capcom have this down. Characterization meets customization. I know it gets harder to do this when more than 4 people are playing each other but Metal Gear Solid has so many characters! So do many franchises! Like I don't know, TWISTED METAL!!! The only problem with fighting games is that they trade simple controls for mastery, and that's why I love Super Smash Bros: it's fun and it's simple. And I know that Call of Duty is fun but can I please play as someone important who stands a chance instead of myself?

If you want to add anything just comment. Thanks :)