Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Avengers Review

So let's tackle the looming question; why the f*ck is the Avengers so awesome? Is it because the acting is top notch? Or maybe it's because the actions scenes are directed to perfection? Or it could be that the special effects look amazing and realistic? Or is it the dialogue and script? Well it's all of those things, but the thing that really makes it so awesome is just that the movie actually works. This is a film that combines such genres as war, fantasy, sci-fi, action, spy thriller, and even horror. The fact that it combines all of those things perfectly and works on every level is actually a miracle. This mainly due to Joss Whedon who is renowned as a man who can juggle genres and multiple characters seamlessly. Gawd bless him. Without him this film would have sucked.

Iron Man
"We've got a Hulk, b*tch!"

One of the many, many, many problems with Iron Man 2 was the comedic banter. NO, I'm not saying comedic banter is bad. But it comprises half of the movie while the other half is a teaser for the Avengers movie. It's basically used in the same way Transformers 3 uses special effects and action; compensation for a lack of story. If you're thinking "Well Avengers uses special effects and action to compensate for a lack of a story, and it's ending even resembles Transformers 3" then let me carefully explain how much of a f*cking idiot you are. First of all, Michael Bay does not know how to cohesively direct action. He's just retarded like that. Secondly, this is a climax! It's not supposed to be heavy on plot and story! It's about everything coming together! And thirdly, Iron Man 2 even used  the comedic banter during serious situations. This totally destroyed the tension in the scenes like when Whiplash attacked him on the race track, Tony dying, and everything getting blown up in the end. Hey, if Tony Stark doesn't give a f*ck then why the f*ck should I care? Thankfully, Avengers shows Tony getting serious when the situation called for it. He shut up when SHIELD came to him, when the Helicarrier was attacked, and in the end. He still had the comedic narcissism we all love but it was handled better here. Hell, Tony as a character was handled better with an arc about learning that some situations don't have an escape route and that sometimes pawns do die...

Black Widow
That's the exact look the ladies give me when they see my "Hulk."

By far the best thing about Iron Man 2 was this hot stuff. Hot damn do I just want to *BEEEEEEEEPPPPPP* her and then take her legs and *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP* until we just can't move anymore. Mmmmm. Sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah! The review! So anyways, in the Avengers more of Black Widows, ahem, back story, is exposed here... ;D We learn that Widow used to be a Russian spy who was supposed to be killed by Hawkeye, but he saw something in her and now she is redeeming herself by being a SHIELD agent. By the way, SHIELD is just like a spy organizations... Just in case you didn't know...Anywho, Widow's spy skills are actually handled very well in this movie as she basically interrogates people by pretending to be a delicate little flower. It's f*cking brilliant and reminds me of all those James Bond films where Mr. Bond would be tied up and the villain would basically spill his plot to him. With that said let's get to Hawkeye!

Hawkeye
He's only aiming so you feel like you have a chance. Ha!

Hawkeye is the world's greatest marksman and for most of the movie you don't really get to know him as a person. See for the first half he is possessed by Loki to steal stuff and attack SHIELD, but for the latter half he is free from his control (thanks to Widow) and shows just how much of a BAMF he really is. He shoots down speeding space chariots with a simple bow and arrow WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING. IT'S F*CKING AWESOME. And I am so thankful that the film doesn't clutter itself by having Widow and him form a romance. Their relationship is that of mutual respect. This deals more with their past then the fact that they are the only normal people on the team. And since we're on the subject of being normal...

Thor
Do I really need a pic for this paragraph? Oh what the hell!

Thor is his brother's keeper. He wants to not only punish Loki but also kinda rehabilitate him. It's also interesting to note that he can shoot f*cking lightning from his hammer...

Captain America
AMERICA!!! F*CK YEAH!!!

Captain America is less of a character and more of just a physical form for patriotism in the body of a soldier. As such he doesn't really have a character arc, he's just Captain America. Out of all the Avengers he is the most on point and focused. Instead of bickering he just wants everyone to do their duty. When an important SHIELD agent dies (not Fury) he says how he did his duty and that everyone should do the same. He's also the character we see get hurt the most. This is probably he is the most down to Earth out of the team. Oh, and I have to say this part from the movie; when Captain America finally emerges for the first time in decades to the general public it's in Germany...Classic.

The Hulk
Well I'm dead.

Probably the best character in the movie. He's fun, the special effects are perfect, and most important he is done correctly. When Widow (as well as the audience) sees Banner/Hulk for the first time she is scared sh*tless. See the Hulk is more of a horror character then anything else. He's a mix between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and the Wolfman. He's the misunderstood monster. I think this was done really well in Ang Lee's Hulk as he had the beginning show a very scientific and calm Banner soon become this monster that scared a lot of people. And even though the Incredible Hulk had people show fear in front of him it was only for like one scene in Portugal. Then no one gave a sh*t. It made for great action, sure, but I like to see the Hulk that we saw here who just makes everyone tense and tiptoeing. Then, of course, in the end the Hulk's simplicity makes him the most fun to watch out of everything that's going on.

Conclusion
AVEN-*cough, cough cough* Sorry, not yet.

Oh? You're still here? I thought you would have gone to see this movie already. You should probably do that. Oh wait, did I forget to mention the bad guys? Oh, well, Loki has agreed with Thanos that he'll retrieve the Cosmic Cube (cube that can do literally anything) if Thanos will give him an army to take over Earth. Loki wants revenge and Thanos wants ultimate power. That's literally it... *can't resist any longer* AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!

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