Sunday, December 16, 2012

4 Reasons I'm Not Seeing the Wizard of Oz Prequel

Introduction: A good sequel should respect the rules of the previous movie. This doesn't mean that it can't be good. Terminator 2 didn't respect the rules of the first Terminator yet not only was it awesome but actually better than the original. A good prequel should to do this too. Here are some reasons I don't want to see the new Wizard of Oz prequel not as a movie (you know, since I haven't seen it yet), but as a prequel to one of my favorite films of all time.

4. Glinda was the Villain: Were you one of those people who saw the Wizard of Oz and thought Glinda the Good Witch was actually a good witch? Well let me explain to you why she is secretly the greatest manipulator of not only the citizens of Oz but the citizens of the audience as well because a character is not defined by their name but by their actions. First of all, she just so happens to appear right after Dorothy commits manslaughter against the 3rd most powerful being in Oz and then magically sticks the "evil witch's" ruby slippers on her. When the "Wicked Witch" shows up she just stands there and does absolutely nothing as Miss Wicked threatens Dorothy. Then she sends Dorothy off to Oz where the Great Wizard just so happens to send Dorothy off to assassinate the 2nd most powerful being in Oz. Then when Dorothy comes back she sends the Wizard (ie the most powerful being in Oz) away on his hot air balloon. THEN Glinda shows up and is like "Oh by the way, those slippers I gave you can send you home. Thanks for getting rid of every big player in Oz thus leaving me as it's new queen." Seriously, the only "good" thing Glinda did was wake Dorothy up so she could complete her mission to unknowingly assassinate an innocent witch. Which leads me into...

3. The Not So Wicked Witch: Oh my, you also thought the Wicked Witch was wicked? Ha! All she ever wanted throughout this entire film was her last living relative's belongings. The fact that she had the strength to not f*cking murder Dorothy and Glinda for the death and theft of her sister astounds me. Then she threatens Dorothy again and again (and remember that Dorothy hasn't even tried to take off the slippers) until Dorothy actually trespasses her land with an immortal Scarecrow, a homicidal robot made of Tin, and an actual f*cking lion with the plan to steal her belongings as well and kill her if the need arises. Then they invade her home and kill her with acid. Oh, and don't forget that the Wicked Witch had this bucket of acid just laying around her home which tells us what? That she was suicidal. And why was she suicidal? Because she was persecuted for being the only colored person in Oz. Seriously, those people are almost as racist as the people of Middle-Earth. Speaking of things that already exists...

2. Wicked Already Exists: Wicked is a book and musical that actually has this stuff down. It has interesting characters, a good story, a strong message, and awesome music. It's the prequel to the Wizard of Oz from the perspective of Glinda and the Wicked Witch before Dorothy and the Wizard arrive. It's won numerous awards and even though I normally don't care about awards it just shows that people do indeed enjoy it. Oh and the music! The rapper Drake has sampled it and Mika just covered one of the songs. Just listen to this! C'mon! It's like Disney and Oz had a glorious baby! Best of all it decided not to focus on the "Great and Powerful Oz" because that guy was Biff from Back to the Future...

1. The Wizard is Biff: Do you remember the ending for Back to the Future? I'll recap: Marty saves his future existence by having his parents get together after his father totally stands up to Biff, the bully, and punches him in his stupid face. Then he time travels "back to the future" to find that Biff now resembles Gollum and works for his father as a shriveling coward. Biff's character was a guy who used size and intimidation to appear as the dominant male until someone actually stood up to him in which case he showed his true colors as a coward. This is one of the main reasons Back to the Future Part 2 sucked so hard. Anyways, my point is that the Wizard of Oz is the same exact character. He used size and intimidation to get what he wanted until someone stood up to him. "But wait," you might say, "the Wizard ended up helping Dorothy and the gang in the end!" Well yeah, he was groveling in front of a girl who just killed a witch, a hungry lion, a murderous machine, and an immortal man! What else was he supposed to do?! The new Wizard of Oz prequel is the same thing as if they made a Back to the Future prequel about how nice of a guy Biff was. You know, the rapist.

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