Introduction: Sometimes when I watch a movie I just kind of decide not to write about it cause it was exactly what you'd expect and I wouldn't really be spoiling anything. And where is the fun in that? But sometimes people still want to hear my opinion on it. Almost as if they think I'll say something different or will have some insight. Well I think that depends more on the reader then the writer, I suppose. So here are 6 movies I saw that were exactly what you thought they would be, except maybe Battleship. But I'll get to that soon.
Dark Shadows: Oh! Hey! Look! Something old that only some of us remember is being Tim Burtonized (real word, totally) with fellow mate Johnny Depp into some Gothic/kooky adaption that really sucks when it comes to story but at least everyone is having fun with it, especially Johnny Depp, and you can enjoy it because of Johnny Depp and his KEERRRRAAAAZZZZEEEE (pronounced crazy) performance as Johnny Depp. Did I mention Johnny Depp was in it? The story is about a witch who turns some man whore into a vampire and proceeds to lock him up and then decades later he is freed and decides to help his family business. Based on an old TV soap opera where the ratings got so low that they just threw a vampire in it to stay on the air and then threw basically everything else... Johnny Depp.
The Dictator: Sacha Baron Cohen has released another raunchy film except this one goes full on with no mockumentary realism whatsoever. It's the story of a dictator who is replaced with a look-a-like by his brother while he is left to fend for himself in New York City with only his racism and lack of a beard to comfort him. The movie actually does the whole asshole-turned-good plot better then Thor. Overall, it's a dumb film but it has some pretty hysterical moments, like when the dictator and an alley are mistaken for terrorists in a helicopter ride around New York that is just classic. The film has it's moments and if you liked Borat more for it's setups then it's complete realism then you'll absolutely enjoy this film. Sadly, Anna Faris and Ben Kingsley are in it...and not in a good way...
Battleship: You might have thought during your first viewing of the Battleship trailer "Oh...it's a Transformers rip off..." and you'd be right...for about half the movie. The other half seems to be something I have never seen in a movie before, a big budget mockbuster. The beginning and ending of this film are so funny I couldn't stop laughing. It's almost like the movie is sooo dumb it's funny. When you see a drunkard trying to rob a store for a chicken burrito to the theme of Pink Panther or when you see a bunch of senior citizen veterans starting up an old battleship to the music of ACDC or even when you see a disabled military man totally beating up a big ass fully armored alien and somehow winning you just can't stop laughing at the ridiculousness of it. And I just have to say this, I am so happy the aliens in this movie seem realistic; seriously, they are militaristic, they aren't naked, and they are hard to kill as hell. I suggest checking it out. Like as a matinee thing. Or maybe just rent it. Yeah, rent it.
Chernobyl Diaries: This film can go f*ck itself. Honestly, the worst film I've seen this year. It's one of those horror films where you watch it and think you're scared and then you leave and you realize it was f*cking retarded. Chernobyl Diaries is a story about 4 young adults who are traveling across Europe and decide to go to Chernobyl only to be attacked by zombies. Oh? You want to hear why it's retarded? First off, the zombies can be defeated by a little girl with ease but not a military trained badass mother trucker with a hand gun. Secondly, it sets up interesting sequences that don't pay off such as when they set up deadly fish only for a character to get more than 2 paper cuts on his leg. Third, they decide to stay in Chernobyl all night (TWICE) even though they were told staying there for more then 2 hours is deadly because of radiation AND it's only a 90 minute walk to the exit. Fourth, even though they can see the power plants clearly AND have a map AND are near the exit they manage to walk directly in the center of the power plant. Fifth, the film's style of filming is that of a found footage even though there is no character behind the camera and it isn't found footage and you soon realize they do this because now you will NEVER EVER GET TO SEE THE ZOMBIES CLEARLY. Last but not least, the only legitimate scare in this whole f*cking movie is a bear. Yogi is scarier then zombies now.
Men in Black 3: I honestly didn't want to see this. It just didn't intrigue me. You'd think Kay would be the boss and Jay would now be the aging pro field agent, but nope. It's the same thing all over again. The story is about an evil alien hating Kay because...he shot off his arm when he tried to kill him and stopped his race from destroying Earth? Wait, if there was an impenetrable force field surrounding the planet then how does anyone exit or leave the planet? Maybe it's a one-time thing? Anyways, this evil alien travels back in time to kill Kay and Jay does the same. I have to say I find the rules of time travel in this movie f*cking hysterical. Apparently a side effect of a time tear (idk) is a thirst for chocolate milk and in order to time travel you have to jump off a building. Anyways, Jay saves the day along with Kay along with some sci-fi comedy and a heartfelt ending. Same thing as the other two. If you like sci-fi comedies then try this out. Or even if you like the 60s because Andy Warhol is here and it's pretty funny. Otherwise, I wish an actual story over these three films could have been developed to, you know, create a trilogy.
Snow White and the Huntsman: Yupp, Kristen Stewart is awful. Snow White is apparently the living embodiment of life itself but the only thing she does in the movie is run away and for people to tell her she is destined for greatness. It's kinda f*cking annoying. You just wish she'd have a character but guess not. On the other side of the spectrum we have Charlize Theron as the villain and Hole. E Sheet is she awesome. It's almost as if she's from a different movie altogether. Plus she's hot. The movie itself is basically the offspring of the Snow White fairytale, Game of Thrones, and Princess Mononoke, and thanks to this the movie's visual appeal is quite striking. I wouldn't be surprised if I saw an Oscar nomination. Overall, if you like fairytale re-imaginings that turn gritty then check this out; otherwise, rent it sometime.
Conclusion: F*cking May, man. And yes, I know Snow White came out in June. F*ck it.
