Monday, November 5, 2012

Paranormal Activity 4 Review

Introduction: I liked the first Paranormal Activity. It built upon "that fear." You know, that fear we all have when we're alone inside a moderately sized home at night and we hear weird noises and instead of thinking "Sh*t, man, that's just rats and sh*t" we instead think "Sh*t, man! That's ghosts and sh*t!" It feeds on our primitive and superstitious fears that are really just caused by piping. Seriously, ghosts are pipes. But as the series continued with sequel upon sequel the novelty wore off and we realized that our actual piping is more frightening. Omg! It's clogged with hair!

Jump Scares: So imagine you're sitting at home reading this totally awesome review when someone suddenly grabs you from behind and you scream like the sissy you secretly are, then you turn and see it's just your friend *insert name here*, and you sigh in relief. Is that fear? F*ck no. It's surprise, and it's a bullsh*t tactic used by Hollywood horror movies into making you think you were scared. Jump scares can only work with paranoia, build-up, and something ACTUALLY SCARY. Even if something is scary though it can't be shown over and over or else it will desensitize the audience. This is the problem with the Paranormal Activity series since it's become commonplace and even comical as we imagine a demon chicken playing pranks on some group of vanilla characters we're expected to deduce as a family. Speaking of characters...

Bland Characters: One thing I appreciated about the original PA was that the characters felt real. You couldn't even tell if they were reading a script or doing improve. It felt natural. Which worked with the film's normal housing setting. Then the second one came out. It was the sequel Hollywood made and instead of feeling natural the characters felt more vanilla than my vanilla wallpaper (which is very vanilla). In the latest one though they actually come off as assholes as they isolate a kid because he's odd. ALL KIDS ARE ODD. YOU DESERVE GETTING KILLED. DAFUQ IS WRONG WITH YOU. The only thing they could think of doing is set up a lot of security cameras around the house because they were scared of shadows and noises...

A Lot of Security Cameras: Found footage movies seem to be the new hot thing. Which is code for bullsh*t gimmicks. It all started with the Blair Witch Project and it's final image of a person in a corner, but that film wasn't about reality; it was about people going into a panic out of fear. And just like everything that becomes popular in the box office Hollywood milked the hell out of it without even understanding how it works. Now we have so much shaking in simple camera shots I wouldn't be surprised if full-body dyslexics were hired as cameramen. Even if it doesn't have shaky camera and it's just a stationary shot it's bland and uninteresting. It takes out the cinematic in cinematic--a. PA is so full of bland shots it makes pornography look worthy of an Oscar nomination.

Conclusion: PA is the new Saw. It started off small but grew into a Halloween franchise except you can't even dress up as an awesome monster. You could put on a demonic animal outfit with the name Tobi written on the chest and follow people around but something like that that would actually be scary. So yeah... don't see Paranormal Activity 4... it's bad... Oh! Disney is making another Star Wars movie! Hopefully I'll finally be able to say that more than half of the franchise is worth watching! :D

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