Sunday, December 2, 2012

3 Reasons to See the New Twilight Movie

Introduction: The Twilight series is known as the greatest love story ever made between two lifeless husks trying to look at each other without having an aneurism. One of those husks is a vampire named Eduardo who is preying on wannabe jail bait named Bella who has a werewolf bff named Care Bear of Friendship. Twilight Part 5 Break Dawn Part 2 is the climax of this series. That sentence is the first and last time the word climax will be placed next to Twilight. Here are some reasons why you should see it!

Baby Love: So Bella and Eduardo totally boned (even though he can't have a boner) and had a CG baby (since no consenting parent would allow their child to appear in this film) which the Care Bear of Friendship decided is his soul mate. Yupp, the Care Bear of Friendship wants to f*ck Bella's baby. I love this movie. So after Bella gets transformed into a vampire by Eduardo she proceeds to beat the sh*t out of Care Bear for wanting to do doggy-style with her 3 day old offspring while screaming "YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!?!" As Care Bear tries to reason wanting to pork a baby Eduardo just laughs and laughs like a teenager at an Adam Sandler movie. YES. GAWD YES.

Michael Sheen: Anyways, a plot suddenly shows up as the vampire government finds out Bella and Eduardo have a baby but think they turned it from a human instead of doing it the natural way (you know, since vampires can't have boners), and the president of vampires, Michael Sheen, decides to just kill everyone. When he finds out the child isn't what it seems he decides to change his plan into just killing everyone. Michael Sheen is the best thing in this movie as he hams it up so much you can't believe some of the stuff he does.

Giant Mutant Battle: Oh, did I forget to mention that vampires have unique superpowers that essentially makes them immortal mutants? Yes, Michael Sheen is Magneto and Eduardo is Cyclops. I love this movie. So the final battle of this movie is the X-Men of International Bloodsuckers facing off against the Brotherhood of Flamboyant Mutants and IT'S AWESOME. We see electricity powers, darkness powers, dismemberment's (with bare hands), Dakota Fanning being fed to a f*cking dog, and, I sh*t you not, an Indian vampire punching the ground so hard it creates a crevasse across the entire battlefield so deep you see lava. YES. GAWD YES.

Conclusion: That giant fight is just a dream though. Yupp, the best part of the movie isn't even in the movie. The best way to describe this movie is the money shot finale of a horrible, horrible porno, except the money shot is also horrible. It's just soooooo horrible it's good and has redeemable value to it. You know, it's one of those movies that is just so unintentionally funny you have to see it and just laugh at it's face. Like Troll 2, Birdemic, The Happening, or The Wicker Man.