Before I start ranting I guess I should explain what the f*ck
The
Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is. It's the middle film in a trilogy
where dwarves try to reclaim their homeland from a dragon, Smaug, by
using an unexperienced hobbit named Bilbo to steal a jewel from the
dragon that will give them the right to rule over all the dwarves.
Thankfully, the leader of these dwarves is the rightful heir to the
dwarves' kingdom so it's all okay. This is all based on a fairly small
and simple children's book written by J.R.R. Tolkien about greed,
courage, and maturity. But Peter Jackson don't give a f*ck about any of
that! Let's watch a 2 hour story stretched into a 9 hour film!
Peter Jackson Can't Keep Things Short
 |
| Ha! Get it? Because it's about short people! |
The original
King Kong was 100 minutes long and a classic. Peter
Jackson's remake was 187 minutes long and bored audiences worldwide.
Peter Jackson has this thing about stretching out scenes and turning the
action all the way up to 12. Sure it makes for a good epic but
sometimes it causes things to draw out needlessly. Let's look at the
original
King Kong again. There is a scene where Kong must battle a
T-Rex to save Anne. It's a brilliant scene that captures the height of
the era's special effects. The Peter Jackson remake has 3 of them and
just keeps going and going and going. You watch the beginning of it and
love the excitement but by the end you just want the f*cking movie to
hurry up. This is the exact reason Mr. Jackson was able to turn a short
children's story into 3 nearly 3 hour films regardless of it's original
length, but I am happy a lot more progression happens here. At least
he's a great director who has brought life to such characters as Frodo
the Blingwearer, Sam the Fudgepacker, and Gandalf the Incompetent
Magician.
Gandalf is a Terrible Wizard and Bilbo Does Nothing
 |
| Gandalf and Sh*t Wizard are negotiating the cost of a pound of weed. |
Do I even need to prove this point? It's just so obvious! He's a
pothead with the ability to summon giant eagles at a moment's notice to
carry him and his comrades to any destination yet he only uses them when
the writer realizes our heroes have no way to escape a certain
scenario. It's bullsh*t. Early in the movie Gandalf is just like "This
scary forest looks scary! Bye!" Gandalf could have been cut from both
Hobbit films and they would have been exactly the same. Even in
The Lord
of the Rings he exudes incompetence. "Let's go to the cave under the
mountain! Ooops! Forgot the password! Let's just sit around and do
buttf*ck nothing!" Ugh, the wise old man is supposed to be, you know,
WISE. Then we have the hobbit of
The Hobbit who basically gets the same
amount of screen time as an episode of
Adventure Time and it's at the
end. And guess what? It's the same as the first film! We have Bilbo
trying to outwit a very dangerous and greedy person that ends in him
escaping. Seriously? I wonder how the final film will end. One second as
I look it up... Oh f*ck me. Bilbo tries to outwit a very dangerous and
greedy person and Gandalf's f*cking eagles come to save the day. F*ck
you! This is all the more frustrating when the best part of this film is
the most shoehorned.
The Love Triangle is the Best Part
 |
| "I'm sorry, I do not fornicate with shorter beings. They tend to be lacking in certain...areas..." |
I say it's the best part in that it's the most emotionally investing.
Trust me when I say there are definitely scenes in this movie that are
fantastic in there scale and fun including the barrel escape in the
rivers and seeing Smaug in fully rendered glory, but when there is no
emotional connection to any of that epicness what the f*ck is the point?
A good film isn't one with long ass scenes that make you go "Woah" at
their technical aspects. A good film is one with pathos. That means it
appeals to the audience's emotions. The only time that happened in this
film was in a love triangle between a dwarf and 2 elves. Peter Jackson
actually filmed everything in a year but realized that their was no
emotion in the film and
re-shot the love triangle stuff going against Evangeline Lilly's contract that stipulated "No Love Triangle Bullsh*t."
Mind you that her character was created specifically for the movie and the entire endeavor was pointless and clichéd.
Conclusion
 |
| DO A BARREL ROLL!!! |
Have you noticed that in every movie about Middle Earth there is at
least 2 scenes that aren't fully rendered due to time and money? You
didn't? You will now! You'll also notice how horrible the writing is as
the best parts are shoehorned in order to make the material watchable! On
top of everything the film ends with no sense of relief or satisfaction!
Literally everyone in the audience left the theater with either a
physical or mental middle finger up in the air at the $13.00 the film
sucked out of their wallets, and I agree. F*ck you,
Hobbit. F*ck you
hard. But thanks for that move with the barrels and your very big dragon. That was amazing ;)
