Introduction: Seriously? Another f*cking pirates movie? The two leads from the previous films didn't even want to participate in it and if that's not a sign that this is sh*t then it has to be that foul manure stench that I smelled from sitting in the theater.
The Donut of Youth: It's a donut. With water dripping in the middle. It is easily destroyed within 5 minutes of it's introduction. Wow, shouldn't it be like an eternal object? That lasts through all of time? Nope, apparently not. Oh and get this, it doesn't grant you eternal life. It's actually an extension on your lease.
The Hoops: In order to use the donut of youth you have to jump through some hoops. First, find two cups belonging to a conquistador. Yupp, two cups that have been recently made and can only last for a while. So I guess the fountain of youth is only accessible for a limited time frame because otherwise I couldn't give a sh*t. And guess where the cups are? In a ship jammed into a cliff face *facepalm* Who the f*ck writes this sh*t? Second, fill the cups with water from the fountain then put a mermaid tear in one cup. Oh, and remember the tear has to be fresh even though in the film by the time they us it it sure as sh*t ain't fresh anymore. Anyways, the person who drinks from the cup with the tear gets the years from the person who drinks from the cup without the tear. So wait, what if you're like 90 and take 90 years back? Do you become a fetus or do you just keep looking old for another 90 years. Ugh, that can't be pretty.
Mermaids and Saints: So, ahem, in this film, mermaids are vampires and have the web shooting abilities of Spiderman. You have no idea how hard I am trying to say this this straight right now. They are also easily baited by man made lights and men singing. So when the pirates need to capture a mermaid for her tear instead of just, idk, set a little boat on fire to lure them they instead come upon a search light using fire and oil... Gawd, who green lit this sh*t? Their is a romance in the film between a mermaid and a saint that serves only the story and nothing else. They are more 2 dimensional then my shadow and I wish they were never written. I'd rather not waste anymore time on this B story... The B stands for BULLSH*T!!!
Gibbs: So when he is introduced he is mistaken fro, hahahahaha, Captain Jack Sparrow. He then steals Jack's special map which totally goes against his character and teams up with Barbossa to go find the donut of youth as well. Oh, and there is a scene in the film where he does something out of character yet again and instead of doing the usual exposition about what the f*ck is happening he now is that insignificant character asking the questions. Hey! Gibbs! You took this role for the money, didn't you?!
Barbossa: Who the f*ck is this? Are you sh*tting me? No, you can't be serious. Holy sh*t, you are serious. They actually created a completely different character and had the f*cking audacity to call him Barbossa and recast Geoffrey Rush. This f*cking bullsh*t. Let me tell you a little about the privateer known as Barbossa: he cut off his own foot when his boat was attacked by Blackbeard for the stupidest reason I have ever f*cking heard and he has a hobby regarding poisonous frogs. So he wants revenge on Blackbeard so he becomes a privateer under the rule of King George. Wait what? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!?! WTF?!?! Thankfully, he magically knows Blackbeard is looking for the donut of youth and that Jack was looking for it and guess who Barbossa runs into? -_- In the end he gets his ship back and I sh*t you not he looks exactly like Will Truner as he sails off.
Blackbeard: He is evil. That's his character, I guess. He also has a magic sword that can control ships and could have been used several times when trying to capture a mermaid but since no one else here can think why should he? He is prophesied to be killed by a one legged man (see: Barbossa) which we shall discuss later and thus seeks the donut of youth to keep him alive. Except he has voodoo powers which can: control ships, create voodoo dolls, zombify his crew, and COME BACK TO LIFE!!!
Quartermaster: He is the guy who had the prophecy about Blackbeard being killed. He is also an idiot. See, Blackbeard created a voodoo doll as a bargaining chip against Jack to force him to take him to the donut of youth. The quartermaster throws it into a river and instead of Jack drowning for real he is a-okay. So why did he throw it away allowing Jack to just escape? To prove that Jack will be okay if he jumps in the river. Except the doll falling in water would be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then say A F*CKING PERSON. Also, his ability to see into the future could have been used countless times in the film and the only prophecy he does make is wrong!! Barbossa doesn't kill Blackbeard, Jack does. And you'd think he'd mention that Blackbeard would be killed at the donut of youth. But no. This character just pisses me off.
Angelica: She is the daughter of Blackbeard and a past love interest of Jack's. When she is introduced in this film she acts and dresses like Jack and he finds out it's her from how she uses a sword. Except how would he know that? He met her at a covenant and she training to be a nun. What kind of f*cking nun learns to sword fight?! Anyways, the whole film is about her trying to save her father's soul except she only stops him from doing something bad once but had no problem all the other f*cking times. Wtf?! Also, in the end she goes through the hoops with her father and everything was okay. WHAT?! They were both poisoned and were dying! The only thing the donut of youth could have done is give her an extra few minutes to live! She is just here for cleavage shots. Seriously.
Jack Sparrow: Nope, just nope. You don't make a film about revenge, redemption, religion, etc and have it's lead, the guy we are supposed to sympathize with, be an idiotic asshole who is here for laughs. The act is getting old and for the whole film I just had the aching feeling like everything was off and wrong. First thing Jack does is sentence his best friend to life in jail and then the last thing he does is maroon the love of life on an island to die. Wtf, Jack?! Instead of feeling mysterious with an overall genius plan he bumbles his way through situations without thought and simply has no end goal at all. What was his goal?! What was the point in all of this?!
Conclusion: It's the fourth f*cking movie in a Hollywood film series. Did you honestly think it would be good? I knew something was wrong the moment the film started. Just with the opening scene. And I watched all the scenes that followed: Jack's father appearing out of nowhere for exposition and disappearing as if by magic, Blackbeard's beard being on fire so he looks more evil, Russian roulette with Angelica, and the retarded bottled ships idea. Even the action is overly choreographed! How could you f*ck this up AGAIN?! At least Will and Elizabeth knew not to get involved...
