Introduction: I guess the only comic book movies Warner Bros can do are with Superman and Batman. You know what that means, right? Reboot, reboot, reboot. Oh right, and Green Lantern is sh*t.
Topper: So this film starts with Topper Harley from Hot Shots! calling himself Hal Jordan as he defeats a couple of AI jets but then is plagued by flashbacks. Here Lies Hal Jordan, Killed By a Flashback. Oh wait, he barely survives and then is given a green lantern ring because I don't know why. He doesn't have a lot of will or courage but seems to be afraid of flashbacks. Poor idiot. Then he trains in an animated film with his head copied and pasted into it for about 5 f*cking minutes and quits like a failure. Our hero is a quitter. Then after quitting he reveals his secret identity to his best friend and his ex and plays hot wheels. In the end, he shows that not only are humans better than technology but also every species in the universe. How conceited is this f*cking movie!?
Talking Cleavage: Not as retarded as Lois Lane, but that's the only thing I can really say. Let's call her Talking Cleavage.
Signal: So Hector Hammond is the villain. He has a connection to Topper and Talking Cleavage but it's never made clear. He gets infected with fear and can thus induce fear in others thus weakening Green Lantern in an epic battle. Oh wait, I'm sorry, I was thinking about something not retarded. Fear actually makes him super smart and courageous enough to take on Topper all by himself. Doesn't that make perfect sense? Oh, and I forgot to mention his whole purpose is to signal Parallax to come to Earth. I guess Parallax is like "Oh, that's where my shin is. Gotta go get it then, I guess."
Octopus Cloud: Remember when Parallax was introduced in the comics by destroying the entire Green Lantern Corps by possessing Hal Jordan as an insectoid embodiment of fear? Well forget that sh*t. He is now the Octopus Cloud and his head is even BIGGER than Signal's, yet he is a MILLION times more retarded. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF***************CCCCCCKKKK YYYYOOOUUUUUU!!!!!!!
Sinestro: After hearing the story about how a Guardian tried to control fear and thus turned into Parallax and created this whole predicament Sinestro's first thought is "Then we should try that too!! Because now it will work for no other reason then to set up a sequel!!" For my feelings on this character please read the last two words in the above paragraph on Octopus Cloud.
Nick Fury Knock Off : Imagine if Nick Fury was involved in the B story in the first Iron Man movie and about halfway through the film he is killed by Iron Monger. That's this character. Minus the coolness. Plus estrogen.
Conclusion: Just imagine some green diarrhea that came from Warner Brother's ass. Now get the f*ck away from that sh*t. GET. THE F*CK. AWAY.
