Introduction: I heard this movie was a love letter to ET. You know, that movie about a boy and an alien's extraordinary connection as the alien plays the Jesus persona. This movie is nothing like ET. At all.
The Train Crash: One problem I had with Indiana Jones 4 was the CGI. It just didn't work. The film was set in the fifties yet it had computer generated special effects instead of traditional sets and stunts. Hell, they originally wanted traditional stuff for consistency and believability but I guess George persuaded them otherwise. Idiots. I only bring this up because the same feeling comes up in the beginning on the train crash sequence. Jesus, even the train just rolling along looks completely fake. What the f*ck is this sh*t? You really couldn't get a train? The Wachowski brothers built a whole f*cking freeway!!
F*cking Lens Flares: Mother. F*cking. Lens. Flares.
The Goonies: There are a group of kids filming a zombie film and guess what folks? They witness a train crash *insert gasp here* and they find a map which never gets brought up again and they basically forget everything and keep filming their movie. This keeps going until the climax where that small train crash incident comes back to bite them in their arse.
The Deputy: This guy's B-Story is completely pointless. I don't know why it's here. It just deters from the Goonies. Seriously, what was the point in showing off this guys search for the truth?
The Military: One of the things that worked with ET was that you never really saw the face of the miltary or their actions. It was all a mystery and it allowed focus to lay on Elliott and his little alien. This film doesn't do this at all. They show everything. Every f*cking thing. And it appears the military is full of a bunch of retards. They don't quarantine anything, they allow kids to film their actions (twice), and talk about their plans on a public radio trasnimission instead of a F*CKIKNG SECURE ONE!!! Like I said before, all it does is deter from the kids. Ugh.
Mini-Clov: For some f*cking unknown reason they story of the film goes between an eighties adventure story about kids and love to a God damn fifties monster movie. This actually confused the sh*t out of me as I was sitting in the theater and kept asking what year the film was set in. I thought it was the fifties until they talked about walkmen and disco. Thank Gawd, JJ Abrams filmed this though because he knows not to show the monster and only show glimpses to allow the audience to use their imagination. Btw, Mini-Clov is trying to get home so he steals sh*t and eats people. His touch is psychic which should make someone like this a vegetarian but nope! He is a okay with eating people who's minds he reads as being innocent except for *drum roll* our protagonist, Head Goonie.
The Climax: Oh, the climax. Where the Goonies, the Deputy, the Military, and Mini-Clov all end their tales. WHAT. THEE. F*CK??? So after hearing how Mini-Clov stole a bunch of sh*t we then see that stealing stuff wasn't necessary because I guess he can control metal and just absorbs all the metal in the immediate area for his ship. I guess all that stuff with the Deputy was kind of meaningless.
Conclusion: Super 8 is a weird movie because it feels like two completely different movies glued together and the entwining story between them is handled poorly. The movie is utterly fantastic when it focuses on the Goonies but then you get to the Deputy and the Military and you may think they are good or not but what was the point? Why not focus on the kids and their adventure? I guess Abrams wanted to make another Cloverfield type film which in this film's case DOESN'T. F*CKING. WORK.
