Monday, June 25, 2012

Prometheus Review

Introduction: Ridley Scott is a fantastic director. When it comes to visuals, environment, style, and just the world itself he does a fantastic job. He really knows how to make a breathable world and you can see this in his other films like Alien, Blade Runner, and even Gladiator. And when you start watching Prometheus it is actually pretty good. It's builds up tension and mystery...or so it seems. As the film progresses less and less things make sense and the film degrades into stupidity with no resolution and you leave the theater thinking "Huh?" The reason that is is because the writer Damon Lindelof is f*cking incompetent. See Damon is the guy who wrote for the TV series Lost and that show had the same problem. In the beginning it started off good but as it progressed it became stupider and stupider and nothing was resolved. It's not horrible, but I wouldn't call it good...

Shaw and Charlie: Shaw and Charlie are two archaeologists who find a star map to an unknown planet. Because of this they come to the conclusion that aliens created the human race and left a map for them to go meet them. They decide to name these aliens as The Engineers. Because who cares that evolution is a proven fact or that none of that made sense. This is the "idea" of the movie; man wasn't created by God but by aliens. Our main character, Dr. Shaw, is a Christian who believes this idea and Charlie is her lover. Sadly, she is sterile and cannot produce offspring for his manliness. It kinda seems like she is saying FU to God for not allowing her the ability to give birth by believing in aliens, but that is never expanded upon... Anyways! All hell breaks loose when they get to the map's destination and she is the last human left...

Weyland: But hey! How did she get there anyways?! Well somehow she convinced an old fart named Weyland that she found their makers based on a map and he said sure! Let's spend billions of dollars to go somewhere in space to test your theory! So he gathers some people and tells them nothing about the mission until they get there. It only took 2 years to get there, c'mon! Except when they arrive his daughter tells everyone he is dead. Why is she there? CAUSE SHE'S HOT. DUH. But then after all hell breaks loose he reveals he is alive and that he wants the Engineers to make him immortal even though all but one is dead. I mean yeah! If that was the case I'd think they'd have the secret to immortality too! And would you believe it NO ONE GAVE A F*CK IF HE WAS ALIVE OR NOT. The last Engineer kills him and the captain of the ship, Prometheus, crashes into the a spaceship carrier leaving Shaw and Weyland's daughter alone on the planet. Genius.

Engineers: A long time ago the Engineers came here, drank some black stuff, disintegrated, and their molecules rearranged to create us. The human race are clones of giant albinos. Ok? And what about every other species on Earth? What about the dinosaurs before the humans? Did the movie forget about that all? The Engineers then left us a star map to their home...oops, never mind, I mean their weapon facilities which are revealed as spaceships to carry some black ooze that will somehow kill us. See at some point they decided that we, their clones, were mistakes and had to die so they designed a black ooze virus to kill us all. Wait, why would they leave a map to a weapon facility? Did they want to lure us to the facility? But then why the spaceship carriers? Was this facility used for more then just biological viruses? Was it like a checkpoint? And how come this weapon facility wasn't seen in the first Alien movie and when we see these spaceship carriers they are holding pods instead of eggs? THIS MOVIE DOESN'T MAKE ANY F*CKING SENSE!!! Anyways, something goes wrong and they die via the black ooze. It's never properly explained. They hint that it's chestbursters but at the same time show the effect the black ooze has on humans is zombification and it's doesn't make any f*cking sense. Thankfully, one Engineer is alive in stasis and he explains to our crew exactly what happened... Oh wait no! That would be silly! Instead he just kills everyone and decides to fly to Earth to kill the human race! Who gives a f*ck that he is the last of his kind?! Pssh! But then the captain of the Prometheus just rams into the carrier instead of just messaging Earth that a carrier full of biological weapons is heading to Earth and they should kill it.

David: Oh, have I not mentioned David? David is an android who is considered as a son to Weyland and he is by far the best character in this movie. If their is ANYTHING wrong with this character it's that he randomly poisons Charlie with the black goo and somehow expected Shaw to get pregnant with his child. So he's an expert in things that have never happened before. But even then the scene where he poisons him is still good because something intriguing pops up not because of a question but because of an answer: We were made just because our creator could. Other then that he was f*cking perfect and even had a Lawrence of Arabia reference. Awesome.

All Hell Breaks Loose: All Hell Breaks Loose is really the second half of the movie and it's where the movie becomes f*cking stupid. Let's look at all the stupid sh*t. 1. The black ooze leaks from the pods and creates penis aliens who are never seen again. 2. People who ingest the black ooze become zombies. 3. Those who become pregnant by those who have ingested the black ooze will give birth to squids. 4. Pregnant woman can remove squid in uterus with a medical machine belonging to a woman meant only for men. 5. When spaceships are falling down to Earth in a straight line those running from the ship will run into it's line of fall instead of half a dozens steps to the side or even just rolling over. 6. Engineer's impregnated with the squid's penis will give birth to an Alien queen. 7. F*ck.

Conclusion: I don't dislike this movie. I think it sucks, yes, but not in the piss poor film making way. More like the horribly disappointed way. This was supposed to be Ridley Scott's return to sci-fi but it got Hollywooded up (and f*cking Damon Lindelof). And when it comes to recommendations for this movie it's hard to say. If you go to the movies for visuals and a great atmosphere and an interesting world then I say go see it. Definitely. But if you go to the movies for story and character and plot then please don't see this. Just don't waste your money. So overall, considering visuals and storytelling, it's a 2 out of 4 film that's on the same level as ANY Hollywood horror flick that sucks.

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