Introduction: I usually don't like reviewing horror or comedy because of how subjective they are, but I'll make an exception for this 1970's remake. I remember seeing footage of this at Comic Con and heard the film was receiving an R rating simply by being so scary. I was intrigued. So I saw this movie with my girlfriend expecting good scares. What a f*cking joke.
Critters: I want to spoil the biggest thing first. Thus remakes the little goblins from the original into mother f*cking tooth fairies. Which causes this movie to lose all f*cking sense. So in the beginning these little critters would take the teeth under people's pillows as food and leave a coin as payment. Then some f*cking asshole took them all and locked them in a cave disguised as a fireplace in a basement. Now as revenge they lure children to the fireplace and turn them into tooth fairies themselves... I think. I actually made up most of that so that sh*t can make sense. Just kidding, the film still makes no f*cking sense. They ask for teeth, but don't eat it. They say they're hungry, but don't plan on eating anyone. They have a chance to take someone, but leave them alone. They say they want children, but we only see them take adults. WHAT THE F*CK ARE THESE CRITTERS THINKING?!?!? HEY!!! WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?!?!?
Daddy & Katie: Daddy and Katie (his girlfriend) are refurbishing a mansion. They don't believe the little girl when she speaks about little critters. That's IT.
Sally: In the original Sally was a grown f*cking woman who unleashed the critters and when she told her husband he didn't believe her. This was meant to parallel societies view on women and how men wouldn't believe them. In this remake it's a stupid little girl who would rather starve then accept her dad's girlfriend. This is why I don't like children in movies -__-
Scares: But who gives a sh*t about story and character in a horror movie? ...Besides me... So of course, you want to know if this is scary or not. It is... for about the first 30 minutes as you sit in anticipation for something scary to happen after the basement fireplace is opened. Then we see the critters and it almost becomes comedic. When we see them stab the housekeeper (a lot) it is shot in such a way that I actually want to insert theme music for circus clowns. Later they attack Sally in the bathroom and the same problem occurs. I was just sitting in the theater imagining a comedy tune while I say out loud "Hey!! Sally!! Idiot!! There is a switch for the lights RIGHT THERE!!!"
Conclusion: I had high hopes for this movie. And this movie is exactly why I don't like having high hopes. My girlfriend and I just left the theater thinking "Da f*ck did we just waste our money on?" I don't know, but for the love of Gawd see Apollo 18 instead.
