Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Jack and Jill Review

Introduction: I can't remember the last time I've seen a good Adam Sandler movie. Not counting Funny People or Reign Over Me. It seems he is just running the same joke over and over and over and over and over and over and over again... and over and over and over and over. Now when writing this review I wanted to do characters like I normally do, but there are no characters, so I decided to try and do scenes instead, but there is no plot, so then I just decided to go by the usual stuff we've seen in every Adam Sandler movie since they make up most if not all of this piece of sh*t movie... *sigh*

Cameos: One of the first things people notice in an Adam Sandler movie are cameos of his many friends as well as many other celebrities. Let's go through some of them shall we? Al Pacino, Katie Holmes, Allen Covert, Dana Carvey, Regis Philbin, Shaquille O'Neal, Johnny Depp, Drew Carey, John Farley, Ron Harris, Richard Harris, John Yuan, Matthew Yuan, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Dennis Dugan, Norm MacDonald, Santiago Segura, and Simrin Player. And those are just the ones listed on Wikipedia. None of these people contribute anything and are just here for people to say "Oh look, ma! It's that guy from the Drew Carey Show! Shaquille O'Neal!" *crickets*

Product Placement: Well that's not completely true. Al Pacino actually sells out harder in this movie then Robert De Niro in Little Fockers. His tale is that he likes Jill... That's it. Seriously. That. Is. It. And why would I tell you this under Product Placement? Because Adam Sandler is an ad guy and he wants Pacino to be in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. And that's the plot of this whole movie. Adam Sandler trying to sell you sh*t. Here is the list of blatant products placed in this movie: Pepto-Bismol, Coca-Cola, various Sony products, Oreos, the Price is Right, Dunkin' Donuts, Carnival, and King's Ham. The movie actually stops to show you three different commercials at the beginning, middle, and end for no reason whatsoever.

Racist Jokes: So there are two characters in this movie who are made fun of for their race. Adam Sandler's Indian child and Adam Sandler's Mexican gardener. The Indian kid is questioned by Jill for not believing in Indian gods  even though he is adopted and then the kid proceeds to tape a salt shaker on his head...? Get it? Do you get the joke? Good, neither do I. And the Mexican gardener whose name I cannot even remember does this thing where he says something racist and ends it with "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding." This includes stating how he has jumped the border, and how his whole family's names are Juan, and how he is here illegally. There is like 15 minutes of Jill and this guy's family reunion where they all play soccer and eat chipotle...

Potty Humor: And guess what the Mexican food does to Jill? She starts pooping and farting a lot. I guess that's the joke since girls don't fart, idk. And Jill apparently sweats a lot. I guess that's funny since girls don't sweat, idk. And Jill lifts weights really well. I guess that's funny since she's a girl, idk. OH F*CK IT!!!

Twins: Since I really don't want to talk about this movie anymore let's talk about how the twinning in this movie turned out. Horrible. You remember how back in the day in order to make one actor look like two they would put both of them across from each and you could actually see a line in the screen where they edited the two shots together? Yeah, it's like that. And do you remember how Eddie Murphy would play multiple roles and it would be interesting to see him reacting himself on screen with no editing hiccups? Yeah, that's not here. Adam Sandler and Jill are always parallel from each other. At all times. And then at the end of the movie Adam Sandler shows you how much time and effort he has put into Jill; a wig, make up, and two coconuts...

Conclusion: Do you know how much the movie Immortals cost to make? The budget is between $80-120 million dollars. and that movie looked f*cking amazing. I highly suggest seeing it for it's epic fight scenes. Do you know how much this piece of sh*t cost? $79 million dollars. Are you f*cking kidding me? This is one of the worst pieces of sh*t I've ever seen. I have said that a movie made for a certain demographic will probably be worse than a movie made by someone. This is neither. You know what this movie is made for? Money. F*cking money. It looks like one of those fake movies from Funny People...except it's worse...it's a thousand times worse and every copy of this film should be burned so as not to leave a trace of it's existence. Ethan, out!