Introduction: I find that people who hate Twilight are Michael Bay fans and people who love Twilight are Nicolas Sparks fans. I am neither. Yet I found it surprising that when I saw the movie and put a status that I saw it on facebook I was suddenly treated with pity and disdain. Jesus H Bananas, people, it's not THAT bad. Yes, it's bad, but it's not Jack and Jill bad...
The First Half: So the first half of the movie is Blank Face and Tampon getting married and Blank Face getting pregnant by some unintentionally hysterical sex. Like she wakes up in the morning in the destroyed bedroom as if some other couple just got it on in there and then Tampon finds a small bruise on her arm and gets his period and says he'll never have sex with her again. This kind of hysterical melodrama is what gets me through the movie. So after sitting through an hour of something we all already saw in a F*CKING TWO MINUTE TRAILER the movie decides to actually move forward.... Slowly...
Blank Face: So after the universe impregnates Blank Face for wanting to f*ck a metaphor for sex she all like "I wanna keep this baby." And the movie tells you what it's about: abortion. Mainly pro-life. Characters actually stop to argue whether the thing in Blank Face's blank belly is a fetus or a baby -_- F*CK!!! So then she gets all thin and sickly because of the baby/fetus/demon child and she like drinks blood so that the baby doesn't kill her. Wait, if she is only drinking blood and the baby is taking all the blood how is she still alive? Oh well, so after breaking her legs and back from just standing weirdly Tampon eats through her stomach and gets the baby out. And Blank Face gets turned by Tampon into Vamp Face .Dun dun dunnnn.
Tampon: So after knocking up Blank Face with a lifeless yet can still become erect penis he is all like "I'm gonna murder that baby!" but Blank face is like "Noooo, I have something to do now." So he just watches her slowly die for the rest of the movie until he sees his baby and is all like "D'awww!!" The end. Edward has no penis.
Jacob: Mmmm, Jacob is so hot. Get it? Did you get it? Because of his biceps. So Jacob is still pining for Blank Face which makes sense since she only smiles when he is around and actually states that her life is incomplete without him *facepalm* After finding after Blank face is pregnant he tells his cuddly wuddly wolf buddies and they are like "Let's kill them all" and Jacob is like "Noooo!! I still haven't tapped that!!" and goes to protect Blank Face. After the baby is born Jacob imprints onto the baby. Imprinting is basically finding your soul mate. So by 36 year old Jacob is going to have sex with Blank Face's 18 year old daughter... ANYWAYS, apparently those who have been imprinted on are safe from the pack, which is one of the stupidest f*cking plot devices I have ever f*cking heard. Who the f*ck came up with that rule?! Plus for like the whole damn movie Jacob calls the baby a bloodsucking demon that should die.
Conclusion: Twlight is to girls what Transformers is to guys. It's bad and a piece of sh*t but people can obviously still sit through the whole thing and enjoy themselves somehow. The movie was obviously made for money since it's only the first part and the book isn't big enough to warrant two parts like Harry Potter was. It seems to straddle the line between made for girly tweens and made for money. Either way, there is worse stuff out there. Plus Jacob is in this movie. Go Team Jacob!!
