Friday, December 30, 2011

Top 5 Worst Movies of 2011

Introduction: Wow, this year sure had some sh*tty movies. And I haven't even seen them all yet! And since it's the end of the year I, of course, must give my favorite movies this...as well as my most hated. Dun dun dunnnn. And while I already had my number 1 and number 2 easily picked the remaining 3 were a bit harder to pick. What makes this movie just sh*tty enough to be number 3? What about this movie saves it from being on this list? These are the difficult questions I must ask not only as a reviewer but for my reader as well... I mean readers! Their is more than one of them out there!

#5. Green Lantern: Christopher Nolan approaches a Batman movie with respect and realism. Whoever directed this green sh*t approached it with paranoia, no knowledge whatsoever, and a bad case of diarrhea. For someone to have actually green lit this must not really know anything about what makes a film good and simply expected money to roll in. At least there was a hysterical scene where Carol Ferris isn't blind and can actually tell Hal Jordan with a domino mask does not make a disguise :P

#4. Transformers 3: Did you know Michael Bay actually apologized for Transformers 2? Seriously. Of course, he blamed the writer's strike and that he simply worked with what was available to him. What a f*cking joke. Hey!! Mike!! You did the exact same thing this time!! You hired the same exact writer!! Are you f*cking retarded?! Your movie still sucks!! In fact, most of it isn't even a movie, just sh*t blowing up!! Please stop raping my childhood cartoon!! PLEASE.

#3. Pirates 4: This movie makes the previous 2 look like f*cking masterpieces. My theory? The director and the lead. Changing the director from the man who helmed the series to the director of Chicago is so painfully obvious the way every action scene feels soooo choreographed. And the lead? Are you sh*tting me? It's like making a movie called Star Wars Episode 7: C-3P0's Protocol. George Lucas better not be reading this...

#2. Jack and Jill: I realized in the latter part of the year that I had to see at least one Happy Madison film, just for this list. I knew it was going to be bad, but this is a f*cking joke. Everything about this movie is so painfully bad. From Jill's voice to the racist jokes, from Adam Sandler shoving products into your face to Al Pacino selling his soul. I was hoping this movie was going to be as bad as Just Go With It but this...this is on another level...

#1. Sucker Punch: A lot of my friends actually liked this movie. But you know what? If you turn your brain off anything can be good. And that's what pisses me off so much about this movie. It was marketed towards fanboys, anime nerds, and gamers and it actually expected us to be stupid enough to enjoy. It expected our brains to be off. "Oh, they are gamers, they don't know any better." It's a giant slap in the face. You know what we like about anime? Animated characters and tense action scenes. NOT GIRLS IN UNIFORMS KILLING NAZIS FOR NO F*CKING REASON!!! You know what we like about games? The challenge and reward of winning through so many hours of hard work. NOT F*CKING FETCH QUESTING!!! F*CK YOU!!!