Friday, March 15, 2013

Witches Galore

The beginning of the year f*cking sucks. Seriously. Well at least when it comes to movies. The reason behind this is because all the big Oscar movies came out at the end of the year and since people love watching Oscar winners (to make themselves seem more educated) Hollywood doesn't want to take away from those money makers. Also cheap, bad movies still make a solid amount of money because audiences. Just audiences. For some reason though these first few months have had an obsession with witches. I am completely and utterly confused by this. Are witches disposable monsters or something? Hollywood is so sexist! Monsterist?

Hansel and Gretel
Oh sweet! It's Hawkeye and...that girl...from Clash of the Titans...?

I understand. I get it. I like the idea. It wasn't executed well. Hansel and Gretel is a gritty retelling of a classic story about how Hansel and Gretel grew up to become witch hunters. That's a great idea! I love movies where the idea is to continue a fairy tail past it's conclusion. It makes it feel more relatable, but with Hansel and Gretel the creators are making more of a self aware comedy and the trick with that though it to ham it up. Know that you are part of a self aware comedy, duh. Just look at Michael Sheen in the last Twilight movie! Sadly, no one in this movie plays up on their silly premise and because of that inability the film comes off as, well, lame. Really, really lame.

Beautiful Creatures
Is it sexist that the movie implies women are sexy creatures?

A movie based on a teen romance/fantasy book! That never happens! Except for all the f*cking time! Anyways, this movie was surprisingly good. The acting was good, the dialogue was good, the effects were good, it was just a solid film. The movie is about a girl moving into town to stay with her uncle and the other kids at school believe she is a witch and berate her constantly. Except she is a witch! The setting is the south so it comes out very meaningful (see: stereotypical). Though the Southern accents can come off as comical and make you chuckle. C'mon, Southern accents are hysterical. One sour spot of the film is that the girl is in a position where she can't choose if she'll be bad or good while men have all the choice they want. Plus the fact that being bad involves being a prankster while being good involves not doing anything. Dafuq is that?!

Oz Prequel
Just make out already! What kind of porno is this?!

I know, I know. I wrote an article about how I wasn't going to see this movie but a friend invited me and I'm a Yes Man. Damn my friendly and awesome attitude! My one true weakness (sans literally everything else). Anyways, I did want to see this as a Sam Raimi fan and was pleased at all the nods toward Army of Darkness. Other than that I was surprised to see Oz's story actually working since the classic portrayed him as a coward and a liar, but Franco still has pothead as his best performance. The world of Oz has so much CG it's actually uninviting to the point of reminding me of the Star Wars prequels, and anything that reminds me of those failures is obviously doing something wrong.

Conclusion
I felt the need to insert a pic of my favorite witch, Anjelica Huston. What do you mean you haven't seen Witches?! GET ON DAT SH*T!!!

I find it weird that in all these witch movies their are good and bad witches. Black and white. Right and wrong. No grey area. The hero must also be a normal human male who falls in love for the good witch because men just love good girls. I think that's why their are so many witch movies because they're easy to write. Plus they cover genres like teen romance, horror, comedy, and fantasy. Wider range means wider audience which means more dollars. There's nothing wrong with that but it's so transparent. Something something bewitched etc etc movie magic pun.

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